This is great, Sam, really good stuff. I feel it must be pretty cathartic to get all this out and to go back in time to analyse the things that make you you.
In some ways I find it pretty relatable in that I spent a lot of my childhood alone (only child) and my parents were super busy with their cafe. I'd spend my entire school holidays hanging out in the cafe being so bored, my parents would never take me friends house, have sleepovers, birthday parties were essentially family only; they didn't have the time to take me or even build that relationship with other parents.
Like you, I can't blame my parents for this, my dad being an off the boat Greek wanted to work hard to set me up in life, everything he didn't have. I owe him heaps but I sometimes wish that he had the time to kick the ball around with me rather than being at work or exhausted. I think it's probably worth me unpacking some of this...
I think it's really tricky to find a balance where you can accept this can be a source of trauma or some of our issues without necessarily blaming it on anyone. More a result of situation and circumstance.
It's a lot like asbestos, or CTE in sport, or a myriad of other things. Until we know that something is damaging, we just don't know that it's damaging, or particularly the extent of the damage.
I feel like maybe the right approach is simply, let's learn from this and get better as a collective. Because if you do know and choose to do nothing about it, well, that's on you.
Thanks for sharing Sam. It's funny I used to be the drunk guy in a group of drunk guys. And while they don't overtly say anything these days. It's clear drinking less has been noticed positively.
This was a great read Sam! I agree that Lost Connections is one of the best books I've read. I also relate to a lot of what you've said. The more I read the more I learn and the more I realise that as a society, emotional needs haven't been met during childhood. But it's not our parents fault, as you said, they parented based off what they learnt from their parents and their parents the same. We don't realise how much children learn and the impact of intergeneration trauma. I used to believe that I was nothing like my mother, but the more I read the more I realise that everything I have learnt is from my mother and it's not her fault, she was doing the best that she could. Awareness and learning is what will breaks the cycle. Unfortunately all this learning is optional and often the people who need it the most are the hardest to get to. I'd love to see this psychology become compulsory in school, the earlier we learn the more we will understand people and this alone will save a lot of hurt and conflict.
I agree. We now know how important the formative years of a child's life are in terms of the behaviors they will carry through the rest of their lives. It's so much easier to prevent an issue than it is to repair one. It's not about faulting or passing blame. It's about taking lessons learned and growing as a collective to create a better future.
It's funny, as I was writing this I realised I was more vulnerable to falling into the same trap my parents did when I was young. I've been so busy trying to get my air bnb set up ready outside of work hours that maybe I was already compromising time with my son in order to get it done. I was excusing the behavior because interest rates are on the rise. We are down from 2 incomes to 1.5 incomes for another 10 months, we need the money. But money comes and goes. There's more to be made. My son will only be 38 days old once.
The fact that this isn't taught in schools and in turn becomes only optional is huge IMO. A lot of people who struggled in school associate learning with stress and anxiety, so why would they ever want to put themselves in that environment or even a similar environment? I understand the reluctance completely and I think you're onto something here with teaching kids while we can rather than trying to fix the problem later.
Absolutely. Time is the best gift you can ever give because it's the only thing you can give and not get it back :).
Unfortunately success is often determined by wage, status and possessions as opposed to living to your values.
I think we are all guilty of being caught up in the rat race. Developing countries are proof that happiness is not determined by wealth or possessions. Australia alarmingly has one of the highest rates of mental health problems in the world.
Hugh and his team at the Resilience Project are definitely onto something and my hope is that concepts of programs like this will be accessible to all students via the teaching staff and their parents.
I'm definitely guilty of wanting what others have in a lot of ways. Sort of like "if you want to be as good as they are you have to have what they have"
I've learned that people in Australia don't get paid for the amount of work they do, but rather for the amount of responsibility they have and in turn, how much stress they can manage. I think people need to understand that when considering just how badly they want to earn that magical amount of money.
There's a study that has proven once you make over a certain amount of money (I don't remember the amount but it wasn't astronomical) anything on top of that will have no bearing on your level of happiness.
I believe it. I spent 6 months living and working in Tonga. If you had a job, great. If you didn't, you worked the plantation. They were so much happier than the average Australian from my experience.
I think it could be the result of that old-fashioned Aussie Battler attitude. You gotta work and you gotta work hard! I think that's fine. But I think you need to tweak it to make it more fruitful for yourself. You have to work, so why not do something you enjoy? Sometimes you have to work hard, so when you do work hard, make sure you reward yourself or set aside time afterward to do something you enjoy or to catch up with your family etc. If we don't allow these small trade-offs and the extra money doesn't actually make us any happier, why the fuck are we doing it? Time is too precious for that shit.
Agree it's very much the societal culture. I read a book called Iridesence, and it mentions how with technological advances we were promised more free time, but it's actually had the opposite effect. I've also had a client who has been counting down to her retirement the whole time I've known her, which is 15 years now and she has the attitude of "if I have to work I may as well get paid a lot of money to do it". Then she wonders why she has chronic pain.
I know of the study too, I think the amount was 75k but I think it was USD. During lock down in 2020 I did a free course on Coursera called the science of Wellbeing and it's all about, the things you think will make you happy won't actually make you happy.
Yeah, that’s exactly the case. It just means our work is more accessible. We can work from anywhere. So we can work all the time. The problem is, if we don’t work when we don’t want to, our competitors will and we fall behind. It’s super toxic.
I wonder if she is just justifying working a job she hates to herself? I hope she doesn’t regret it when she is older.
I’m certainly getting to the point in life where I have realised extra money won’t make me any happier. It may make things a little more comfortable financially, but obviously it’ll come with a compromise and I just don’t know if that would be worth it at this point in life.
Loved this mate. I enjoy reading these, and definitely connect with you on a lot of them. I know what it's like to be your own harshest critic. The feeling of failure is a tough one to remove from oneself. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts and story buddy, very much appreciate you and them and hope you have a brilliant end to the week and a cracking weekend!
Thanks so much. Really appreciate your ongoing support. It’s this exact type of support that motivates me to keep going when I’m feeling flat. Means a lot to me mate.
This is great, Sam, really good stuff. I feel it must be pretty cathartic to get all this out and to go back in time to analyse the things that make you you.
In some ways I find it pretty relatable in that I spent a lot of my childhood alone (only child) and my parents were super busy with their cafe. I'd spend my entire school holidays hanging out in the cafe being so bored, my parents would never take me friends house, have sleepovers, birthday parties were essentially family only; they didn't have the time to take me or even build that relationship with other parents.
Like you, I can't blame my parents for this, my dad being an off the boat Greek wanted to work hard to set me up in life, everything he didn't have. I owe him heaps but I sometimes wish that he had the time to kick the ball around with me rather than being at work or exhausted. I think it's probably worth me unpacking some of this...
Me too. Can relate to a lot of this as my parents worked bloody hard
I think it's really tricky to find a balance where you can accept this can be a source of trauma or some of our issues without necessarily blaming it on anyone. More a result of situation and circumstance.
It's a lot like asbestos, or CTE in sport, or a myriad of other things. Until we know that something is damaging, we just don't know that it's damaging, or particularly the extent of the damage.
I feel like maybe the right approach is simply, let's learn from this and get better as a collective. Because if you do know and choose to do nothing about it, well, that's on you.
And we shouldn’t judge previous eras for not knowing
You’re working through some deep stuff Sam. Power to you.
Thanks so much, Amanda. It's not easy and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Thanks for sharing Sam. It's funny I used to be the drunk guy in a group of drunk guys. And while they don't overtly say anything these days. It's clear drinking less has been noticed positively.
My pleasure mate.
Yeah I think we all get to a point, even as a group, where it goes from being seen as the fun guy to the guy who might have a problem.
This was a great read Sam! I agree that Lost Connections is one of the best books I've read. I also relate to a lot of what you've said. The more I read the more I learn and the more I realise that as a society, emotional needs haven't been met during childhood. But it's not our parents fault, as you said, they parented based off what they learnt from their parents and their parents the same. We don't realise how much children learn and the impact of intergeneration trauma. I used to believe that I was nothing like my mother, but the more I read the more I realise that everything I have learnt is from my mother and it's not her fault, she was doing the best that she could. Awareness and learning is what will breaks the cycle. Unfortunately all this learning is optional and often the people who need it the most are the hardest to get to. I'd love to see this psychology become compulsory in school, the earlier we learn the more we will understand people and this alone will save a lot of hurt and conflict.
Thanks so much!
I agree. We now know how important the formative years of a child's life are in terms of the behaviors they will carry through the rest of their lives. It's so much easier to prevent an issue than it is to repair one. It's not about faulting or passing blame. It's about taking lessons learned and growing as a collective to create a better future.
It's funny, as I was writing this I realised I was more vulnerable to falling into the same trap my parents did when I was young. I've been so busy trying to get my air bnb set up ready outside of work hours that maybe I was already compromising time with my son in order to get it done. I was excusing the behavior because interest rates are on the rise. We are down from 2 incomes to 1.5 incomes for another 10 months, we need the money. But money comes and goes. There's more to be made. My son will only be 38 days old once.
The fact that this isn't taught in schools and in turn becomes only optional is huge IMO. A lot of people who struggled in school associate learning with stress and anxiety, so why would they ever want to put themselves in that environment or even a similar environment? I understand the reluctance completely and I think you're onto something here with teaching kids while we can rather than trying to fix the problem later.
Absolutely. Time is the best gift you can ever give because it's the only thing you can give and not get it back :).
Unfortunately success is often determined by wage, status and possessions as opposed to living to your values.
I think we are all guilty of being caught up in the rat race. Developing countries are proof that happiness is not determined by wealth or possessions. Australia alarmingly has one of the highest rates of mental health problems in the world.
Hugh and his team at the Resilience Project are definitely onto something and my hope is that concepts of programs like this will be accessible to all students via the teaching staff and their parents.
I'm definitely guilty of wanting what others have in a lot of ways. Sort of like "if you want to be as good as they are you have to have what they have"
I've learned that people in Australia don't get paid for the amount of work they do, but rather for the amount of responsibility they have and in turn, how much stress they can manage. I think people need to understand that when considering just how badly they want to earn that magical amount of money.
There's a study that has proven once you make over a certain amount of money (I don't remember the amount but it wasn't astronomical) anything on top of that will have no bearing on your level of happiness.
I believe it. I spent 6 months living and working in Tonga. If you had a job, great. If you didn't, you worked the plantation. They were so much happier than the average Australian from my experience.
I think it could be the result of that old-fashioned Aussie Battler attitude. You gotta work and you gotta work hard! I think that's fine. But I think you need to tweak it to make it more fruitful for yourself. You have to work, so why not do something you enjoy? Sometimes you have to work hard, so when you do work hard, make sure you reward yourself or set aside time afterward to do something you enjoy or to catch up with your family etc. If we don't allow these small trade-offs and the extra money doesn't actually make us any happier, why the fuck are we doing it? Time is too precious for that shit.
Agree it's very much the societal culture. I read a book called Iridesence, and it mentions how with technological advances we were promised more free time, but it's actually had the opposite effect. I've also had a client who has been counting down to her retirement the whole time I've known her, which is 15 years now and she has the attitude of "if I have to work I may as well get paid a lot of money to do it". Then she wonders why she has chronic pain.
I know of the study too, I think the amount was 75k but I think it was USD. During lock down in 2020 I did a free course on Coursera called the science of Wellbeing and it's all about, the things you think will make you happy won't actually make you happy.
Yeah, that’s exactly the case. It just means our work is more accessible. We can work from anywhere. So we can work all the time. The problem is, if we don’t work when we don’t want to, our competitors will and we fall behind. It’s super toxic.
I wonder if she is just justifying working a job she hates to herself? I hope she doesn’t regret it when she is older.
I’m certainly getting to the point in life where I have realised extra money won’t make me any happier. It may make things a little more comfortable financially, but obviously it’ll come with a compromise and I just don’t know if that would be worth it at this point in life.
Loved this mate. I enjoy reading these, and definitely connect with you on a lot of them. I know what it's like to be your own harshest critic. The feeling of failure is a tough one to remove from oneself. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts and story buddy, very much appreciate you and them and hope you have a brilliant end to the week and a cracking weekend!
Thanks so much. Really appreciate your ongoing support. It’s this exact type of support that motivates me to keep going when I’m feeling flat. Means a lot to me mate.