The Problem With Being Motivated by Fear- The Rebuild Week 5

How being motivated by fear creates a lack of fulfillment.

Almost every achievement of significance in my life to date has been driven by fear.

A fear of failure, a fear of financial insecurity, but by far the most prominent is a fear of how others will perceive me. In short, I care far too much about what others think of me. While this fear has helped me to achieve some p[pretty cool things, I’m finding that when I use fear as motivation to achieve something, it doesn’t fulfil me.

I’ve gained and lost 25kg on three separate occasions in my adult life. I should have been driven by a desire to live a longer, healthier, more active life. I should have been motivated by the knowledge that the fitter and healthier I am, the easier my day to life would become, not to mention the mental health benefits that come along with that. The truth is, however, I was scared of being embarrassed. The main driver for me to lose weight was because I didn’t want to be seen as or thought of as a fat guy, and I placed enough significance on that to motivate me to change… just not enough to keep it off on two of those occasions.

Growing up, I always thought I wanted to run a marathon. My dad ran a marathon when I was a toddler. My dad’s brother ran a whole heap of marathons and even a 100k race. When my brother was in his early 20s, he started running marathons and now regularly runs 100k and 100-mile races. I should have wanted to run a marathon to test myself. To see if I, too, could do it. To see if I could set myself a longer-term goal that I would have to build towards to achieve. Something that would require persistence, consistency and commitment. Sadly, these weren’t the things that motivated me. I just wanted to show my dad that I could do it and hopefully make him proud of me. Again, I was motivated by how my actions would impact others.

I’ve always wanted to buy a house. This caused some issues with my ex-partner, who was more of a free spirit and prioritised things like travelling over boring grown-up shit like serving a 30-year financial sentence to a bank. Which is fine, and if I’m being honest, I admire and envy people who can just not give a fuck about things like that. So when my current partner and I house-sat for 15 months, looking after other people’s houses and pets while they travelled around the country/world so that we could fast-track our savings, I felt a sense of relief that I would finally be able to become a homeowner. But I wasn’t motivated by providing shelter and security to my family and me forever. I wasn’t motivated by the financial security owning an asset such as a house would eventually provide us. I was jealous of other people who already had houses of their own. I was embarrassed that I hadn’t yet bought a house. I was fuelled by the fear of having to explain to people at family gatherings or events with friends that, no, I didn’t own a house, and yes, I was still renting.

Since being medicated for ADHD six years ago, I made a pretty quick charge up the ladder professionally. It was kind of like the knowledge I’d gained in the previous nine years was all sitting there waiting to be applied, and I just needed the medication to help me apply it. I’d always felt like I was underachieving but just couldn’t seem to get it all together. Maybe I wasn’t ready, and the universe was forcing me to sort things out away from work before providing me with opportunities at work. Whatever the case, when it happened, through my efforts and some ducks falling in a row, I could jump up a few levels quickly. Again though, I wasn’t motivated by a pay rise, a less physically demanding role and a better work/life balance. I was motivated by my fear of embarrassment. I wanted a better title, a work car, a work phone and a computer because I was embarrassed about what I did for work. I shouldn’t have been. What we do is good, honest and necessary work. But I was ashamed to tell people what I did because of the way society stereotypes my industry. I didn’t want people to think I was “just a roadworker”.

My sobriety is by far my greatest achievement (because my son and house were a team effort), but even that, to a degree, was motivated by fear. I was scared of how my actions could impact my relationship with my unborn child. I was scared of losing my job. I was scared of blowing all of our savings and risking losing our home. I was afraid of what people would think if they found out just how significant my substance abuse issue had become. Most of all, I was scared that if one of the above were to eventuate, I was terrified of how I was likely to react in that state. I was scared I could wind up seeking a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I guess you could read this and think, look at this ungrateful bastard. You’re in a great position. Who gives a fuck where your motivation comes from? If it works, who cares? I’m grateful that I’ve been able to use these fears as motivation to achieve things that I’ve always wanted to achieve, but when I’m motivated by the reaction of others, I don’t feel fulfilled by my achievements. I guess it makes sense. Why would I feel any form of fulfilment when my goals have always been dictated by how other people will perceive me?

After each of these achievements, the most positive feeling I have ever felt is relief. Thank god people won’t think I’m fat anymore. Thank god people know that I’m not a lazy bastard, and all know I can run a marathon. Thank god people will know I have a house and mortgage, and I’m not some loser who can’t get his shit together and provide security for my family. Thank god people will see me in my button-up, embroidered shirt while driving around in my sign-written car and will know that I’m not just a dirty roadworker and must at least be a tiny bit important.

I think the reason we struggle to find fulfilment in situations like this is that people just don’t really give a fuck. Not in a bad way. As a species, we are inherently selfish. If something doesn’t affect you directly, you’re not likely to care for very long. People can be proud of you, tell you good job and give you a pat on the ass, but if we are looking for fulfilment and contentment in other people’s reactions to our achievements, we’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment. It’s not other people’s fault that they don’t really care about what you’ve achieved. It’s our fault for allowing their response to dictate whether our achievements are worthy.

My low self-esteem and desire to be graded as good enough by others have led me to spend thousands of hours of my life working towards goals that I think other people will be impressed by. I realise now that by chasing that dopamine hit of someone telling me I did good, I’ve not been true to myself and followed my heart. This is a great realisation, and although it would have been handy to have had it sooner, I’m grateful that I have had it.

The problem I am facing now is I don’t know how to be intrinsically motivated. I’ve spent my entire life being motivated by what I think others want to see me do. My fear of other people’s responses to my actions or how others perceive me has turned me into someone who doesn’t believe in myself. I feel like every time I have shown an interest in doing something new and told myself, “no, you couldn’t do that. You’re not that kind of person”, has compounded to the point where my automatic reaction to considering trying something is to tell myself I wouldn’t be capable and nip it in the bud before I give myself the chance to fail or succeed at it.

So although my fear or how others perceived me has helped me to achieve some amazing things, it’s equally held me back. I’m too afraid to try things because of what other people will think. I’ve been writing these blogs for almost a year and still get nervous every time I press publish. Sure, things like this are helping me dip my toes in the water and wander further outside my comfort zone, and I think I have made significant progress over the last 12 months, but I feel like I have pigeon-holed myself with these self-limiting beliefs to a point where I don’t even know what I’m passionate about. Outside of being the best dad and partner I can be, doing this internal work I am doing and hopefully helping others through things like these blogs, I don’t really know what I care about, and I can’t just keep doing shit that I think others want me to do because it’s a waste of my energy.

The other week, I was listening to a podcast where Rich Roll said, “Action inspires passion, not the other way around”, and it smacked me right in the forehead. We need to let go of that fear of other people's thoughts. Be curious and inquisitive. Try the things we’ve always wanted to try and not give a shit what others think because, frankly, they don’t care nearly as much as we think they do, and it’s none of their business anyway. I think that in itself is freeing.

So what do I do from here? I guess I just have to trust that while ever I am motivated by the right reasons and doing things that I believe are best for me and not what others believe is best for me, things will organically present themselves. I believe that is the only way I will get to a point where I am truly content and fulfilled by the things that I do. Life is too short to do things any differently.

Cheers Wankers.

X.

---

Bogues Tonnes Up

Each week I will chuck a bit about my journey to my first 100k run at the Sri Chinmoy Canberra Trail 100k for anyone who gives a shit.

I’ve only managed to run twice in the last fortnight. I’ve had this bastard of a cold that I thought I was over for a day and a half, and then it came hurtling back! Feeling good now and hoping to get out for a run this afternoon and hopefully restart my (very slow) charge to September.

I’ve wanted to do a 100k for a while now, but I also want to raise as much money as possible for Beyond Blue. A fantastic charity that does brilliant work in the mental health space.

If you want to help out and help keep me accountable for this fucking ridiculous goal, CLICK HERE to make a 100% tax-deductible donation.

Every cent counts, and you’ll be comfortable knowing it’s going to a reputable organisation who do fantastic work.

---

Click here to check my other blogs. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @sbrngthghts.

Make sure you check out my Writing 4 Resilience friends. They’re all legends.

Running for Resilience Ben Alexander Brent Ford Running Rare The Milkbar Reflections of a Clare Bear

If anyone is struggling in any way, make someone aware of it. Speak to a friend, family, loved one, stranger, postman, uber eats driver, or me; talk to someone.

Lifeline Ph: 13 11 14

Alcoholics Anonymous Ph: 1300 222 222

NSW Mental Health Line Ph: 1800 011 511

Suicide Call Back Service Ph: 1300 659 467

Mensline Australia Ph: 1300 78 99 78

Kids Helpline Ph: 1800 55 1800