Sick Of Being Sick

I need some help. I'm sick and it's impacting my mental health and turning me into an asshole.

Two and a half weeks ago, my nine-month-old son got his first-ever cold. To ensure ultimate discomfort, his top teeth are fucking raging through his gums as well, so understandably, at times, he’s been seven shades of pissed off. Like any adversity he’s faced in his short life, he’s handled it like a fuckin’ champion, and it’s not lost on me how fortunate I am to have such a fucking good baby.

I never thought I’d be in a position where I was frustrated by his generosity, though. He’s been kind enough to share his sickness with my partner and me, and it’s a real fuckin’ doozy.

Before becoming a parent, I’d heard people say, “Oh, once you have kids, you’ll get sick all the time. They pick stuff up everywhere and share it around”. I never really paid it much mind because, if I’m being sincere, I’m a little bit empathetically selfish like that. If I can’t directly relate to something, I struggle to pay much attention. That’s why I get many “I told you so’s”.

Usually, when I get a cold, I smash out a packet of pseudoephedrine-based cold and flu tablets(the good shit), and within the two days it takes to complete the course, I’m back to total health. That didn’t work this time. Although the medication relieved me at the time, the sickness returned as soon as I finished the course. Thus proving my partner’s firmly held belief that the medication doesn’t resolve the symptoms. It just makes it so you can’t feel them.

A few days after I finished the course and the sickness returned with a vengeance, I started to feel like I was on the mend again. Given I hadn’t exercised in a week and had recently had some injections into the base of my spine to help with some pars defect/inflammation/nerve impingement issues, I was keen to get out for a run to see how effective the injections had been.

It went well. My legs and back felt good. I ran at a good pace to heart rate ratio, giving me peace of mind that I hadn’t lost too much fitness while I’d been sick.

The next day I woke up early, and for the first time in fucking forever, my legs and back didn’t feel stiff or sore the morning after a run. I’d woken up with plenty of time to get to work, so I decided to run before work. It was fucking cold, but I was too excited about how well my back and legs recovered from the previous day’s run to care. After 36 hours of reprieve, my sickness returned that night, lingering since.

It’s one of those real pain-in-the-arse sicknesses, too. It’s not enough to have time off work, or in my case, stay home and spend the day on the phone making sure the wheels are still turning, but it’s enough to ruin ya day each day.

The thing I’m struggling with the most is the lack of energy. It’s like I only just have the physical and mental energy to do only what absolutely needs to be done and nothing more. This is the first time I’ve been properly sick since being a parent, and while I agree with those that said you would be sick more often or for more extended periods, I don’t necessarily think it’s because the sickness is different, it’s because parenting a nine-month-old is unrelenting.

The fact that all three of us are sick means that when I get home from battling through work, my sick partner is exhausted from looking after my sick kid. I’m exhausted from using my little energy to keep things moving at work. My son needs extra attention because she’s pissed off at the world, and my partner needs a rest and/or some time to herself after spending all day pandering to him. There is no time to set aside to focus solely on getting better. You can’t just shut it down for a day and hide under a blanket in the lounge. The show must go on. I think this is why it takes longer to get better because you can’t prioritise getting better when you’re prioritising others in the same position.

Now I’m at a point where I’m struggling to find the energy to do the things I enjoy that give me more energy and help me to stay in a healthy mind space. I just… can’t be fucked. I’m trying to force myself through them as I know how important things like my morning breathwork and stretching routine are for maintaining my mental health, but with every day that goes by that I don’t get better, I have less and less energy and motivation to do them, and it’s worrying to me.

I know that I am showing signs of growth in some areas. Usually, when I get sick and don’t run, I panic that I’m losing fitness or progress. I catastrophise and think a few days off running will result in me gaining 30 kilos and losing every skerrick of fitness I’ve built over the last five years. That’s less of a concern now. I know that running right now will make me sicker for longer. But I am struggling without the ability to plod through nature for 60 minutes each afternoon between finishing work and going home to my family. I’m craving that endorphin release.

I’m not sleeping well, either. I wake up through the night coughing, struggling to breathe or because the young fella is upset about his teeth, and we all know how vital sleep is to our physical and mental health. I feel like I’m not sleeping long or well enough for my brain or body to repair itself from the rigours of the previous day.

It’s starting to affect me cognitively as well. I’m too tired and drained to focus and concentrate properly. Things that usually take minimal effort are a bit more taxing, and when everything you do in a day is a little bit harder, it adds up pretty quickly.

Lately, when I haven’t been able to run for whatever reason, I have sat down to play/learn guitar, which I really fucking enjoy. But given my state, I’m still very much a beginner, so it takes a lot of mental energy to play. I’m struggling to get motivated to do that too.

I don’t know what to do. I know I’m not going to be sick forever and that this is just part of life. We get sick sometimes. It’ll happen again. But what can I do to help manage my mental health while I wait for this bullshit to pass? I think I’ve come to rely too heavily on doing “things” like running or playing guitar to help me destress, and now that those things seem a little out of reach, I’m a little bit lost as to what I can do to look after my head while this grubby bullshit does a number on my body.

I’m starting to get a little grumpy. I’m letting things get to me that shouldn't get to me. We’re all tired, sick and low on energy. It’s an environment conducive to petty little bullshit arguments and frustration. What can someone who can’t sit still and uses activity to manage their mental health do to manage their mental health when those things aren’t an option? Because it’s turning me into an asshole, which doesn’t sit well with me. My family deserve better, especially when they’re struggling too.

I know everyone gets sick. I know I’ll get sick again. I don’t want o come across as some prick who’s just having a sook about being sick. I just want to be better at being sick for my family’s sake. Real fuckin’ keen for some advice or recommendations.

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If anyone is struggling in any way, make someone aware of it. Speak to a friend, family, loved one, stranger, postman, uber eats driver, or me; talk to someone.

Lifeline Ph: 13 11 14

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NSW Mental Health Line Ph: 1800 011 511

Suicide Call Back Service Ph: 1300 659 467

Mensline Australia Ph: 1300 78 99 78

Kids Helpline Ph: 1800 55 1800

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