How Being Diagnosed With ADHD at 28 Years Old Helped Me Win My 10-Year Battle With Anxiety and Depression

And the signs of ADHD you can look for in yourself or others to prevent them from going through what I went through for as long as I went through it.

Jan 20, 2023

I am sharing this story in the hope that it helps others. More and more people are getting diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood every year. There is far less stigma around it these days, and since my diagnosis and being medicated, my life has improved infinitely.

The hope is that someone reads this and takes away the courage to look into being diagnosed should they think it’s necessary and can start to live a better life.

Diagnosis, Medication and The Impact it’s Had on My Life.

It was the fourth time in nine years that I had decided to seek professional help for my mental health. I didn’t want to. After ten years of on-again, off-again anxiety and depression symptoms and seeking professional help to aid me, I was over it. I was resigned to believing that maybe, this was just how I was and there was nothing I could do about it.

I had tried before, three times. Each time I would go to a doctor, get on a mental health plan, be prescribed SSRIs, see a psychologist and wait for the combination of all three to work. At times I would make minor slight improvements, but for the most part, these treatments were largely ineffective. More often than not, I would slump back into these anxiety-ridden and depressive states for extended periods.

I was young at the time and didn’t fully understand that part of the solution would have to come from within myself. I would have periods where I would look after myself, lose weight, get fit, eat well, and all that jazz, but I kept finding myself back in that dreaded position. I was also pretty fuckin’ miserable for a lot of this time. So I wasn’t very capable of seeing the positive in anything.

A strange phenomenon can happen to people struggling with their mental health, where they almost prefer to stay in the spiral of ill health because it’s so familiar to them. Even though it fuckin’ sucks, you can find comfort in familiarity. At times, it’s much easier to sit and wallow than it is to be brave enough to do something about it actively. It’s uncharted territory. To someone of ill mind, there is no safety in the unknown. You second-guess yourself a lot. “Am I even depressed? Am I just being a sook? Carrying on a bit.” So you accept that this is how it is. I have got to get on with it. Got shit to do. Maybe it’ll just blow over and sort itself. It hadn’t in the previous ten years, but perhaps that magical fix was just around the corner, or in my case, just down the road…

My ex-partner and I moved into a house in Woonona, on the NSW South Coast. A beautiful part of the world. Nestled neatly between the coal-filled escarpment and beaches of Bulli and Bellambi. We lived just off the main street. There was a medical centre at the end of our road. It didn’t have general doctors’ surgery but a centre for specialists, like physiotherapists, podiatrists etc. They also had a psychologist practice down there too.

My former partner somehow found out there was a psychiatrist down there and started working on convincing me to go down and make an appointment. Why? I was struggling, we both knew it, but the previous three endeavours into seeking psychological help had left me emotionally exhausted, annoyed and largely disappointed. Eventually, she convinced me I had nothing left to lose, and it was worth going just once; that’s all she asked me to do, go just once; I didn’t have to go back again. I caved, “that’ll shut her up”, I remember thinking. Then she’ll leave me to my misery, at least for a little while.

I went to the GP, got a referral to the centre that was only 100 metres down the road, and made an appointment. I remember walking down there anxiously. I remember thinking on the walk; there’s still a chance to get out of this. Maybe I booked the appointment at the wrong time, or she had to go home sick, and we’ll have to re-book the appointment. Maybe, right, guys? Didn’t happen.

Like any health professional worth their salt, she was running late. Sitting in the waiting room, I thought maybe she had made a mistake. Perhaps she’s not here today; there’s still a chance to get out of this. None of that was true, either.

I was doom scrolling through my phone, keeping my head down—anything to distract me from thinking about what would happen. Back then, appointments with psychologists left me feeling emotionally drained, tired and feeling I was never going to see any improvements. Why was I intentionally doing this to myself yet again? I heard my name called; I looked up, acting like I wasn’t dreaming of being anywhere but where I was and said confidently, “yep!”. A gentle and kind-looking middle-aged woman said, “great, follow me”.

I sat down; we went through the usual stuff. Age, living arrangement, job, family dynamic. Then she asked, so why are you here? I don’t remember what I said; I remember talking 100 miles an hour, ranting, raving, and carrying on, she told me to stop, but I didn’t. She told me to quit again, but with a little more vigour. I stopped.

“You have ADHD.”

Huh? Me? No, not me. I couldn’t.

Until then, my understanding of ADHD was based solely on my experience with the crazy kids in School. The ones who would throw pedestal fans at teachers or try to stab other students with scissors. I never did any of that., I’ve always been too scared and anxious to misbehave to that degree.

She explained that wasn’t all that ADHD was and that I exhibited many signs of ADHD. She explained that as a psychologist, she couldn’t diagnose me with the condition or medicate me for it, but a psychiatrist could. I was shocked. I was guilty of labelling and generalising anytime I’d thought of ADHD, and for a moment, I thought, “oh fuck, I don’t want to have ADHD”. But then I thought, if I have it, I have it, whether I want to have it or not. She instructed me to book another appointment with her, gave me a note to take to the GP to help me get a referral to a psychiatrist and told me to do some research.

As soon as I got home, I started researching ADHD on Wikipedia. I discovered a lecture on YouTube by people like Dr Russell Barkley, who is, for lack of a better phrase, the fuckin’ guru on ADHD. After an hour or so, I could have diagnosed my fuckin’ self with ADHD. It became shockingly clear.

Initially, I was upset. I felt abandoned. I’ve been exhibiting these traits all my fucking life. My School reports, my irritability, and my inability to sit still. How the fuck did they miss me? All the signs were there. Thirteen years of School, and not one person noticed a trend in my school reports? I started to think how better my life would have been had they identified it sooner. The magic medication would have made things so much better for me. I would have become a fuckin’ brain AND heart surgeon… probably.

Of course, that’s all bullshit. There is no way of knowing categorically that my life would have been better had I been diagnosed and medicated as a kid. Even if someone could show me data suggesting that it would have been, the data would have been useless unless it came with a time machine. I told myself, be grateful that you have been diagnosed at all. Be thankful that you now have this opportunity to lead a better life, and be grateful for the lessons you’ve learned while going through the struggles you have been going through over the last ten years. Eventually, you will be better for having gone through them… right, guys?

So I followed the advice of the psychologist. It was painfully long waiting for the psychiatrist appointment. After ten years, I craved this relief so badly. I had read stories online about how much of an impact medication had on people with ADHD. I had to remind myself that I had been dealing with this without medication for years; I’m sure I could wait a little longer, not that I had a choice in the matter anyway.

After switching my mindset, I was in the psychiatrist’s office before I knew it; 30 minutes later, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Thirty minutes after that, I had my medication.

When you start on stimulant medication, you must follow the psychiatrist’s instructions vigilantly. In all the mayhem, anxiety, and excitedness, I misinterpreted my instructions. You have to ween yourself on to the medication. Being an amphetamine-based stimulant, taking too much of it while building tolerance can suppress your appetite and make sleeping difficult.

I was told to work myself up to four tablets daily over four weeks. What I heard was to work yourself up to four tablets daily over four days. I had a penchant for coffee at this stage too. Having ADHD meant my brain loved stimulants. Having no medication until now meant I’d have to rely on caffeine. I thought the medication being an amphetamine, would overpower the caffeine, and it wouldn’t be an issue. What I found, though, was the two mixed horribly. I don’t know about anyone else, but caffeine combined with my medication made me feel stressed out.

I remember the first fortnight being tough. By this stage, my former partner and I had broken up and had been for some time. That’s how long the process can take sometimes. I was working away, met, and started talking to my current partner. I remember being in a cabin in Tumut, NSW and on my own, unable to sleep. I had no appetite either. So I had all this artificial energy but no fuel in my body to execute anything with the energy. I was trying to make the most of the excess energy by exercising early in the morning, but I would still struggle to sleep. I remember laying there, body tired, head racing, thinking; I can’t do this shit anymore. This isn’t working, not knowing I had misinterpreted the dosage instructions the psychiatrist gave me.

But I stuck it out, and after a fortnight or so, things seemed to settle down. I was too desperate for it to work to give up on it so soon. I was feeling the benefits; they were instant. I was killing it at work. Motivated, better mood, and had more energy; I just needed the adverse side effects to subside, and as my tolerance increased, they did.

The medication gave me the confidence to be who I wanted to be. I’ve always likened the medication to a footbridge between who I was and who I wanted or thought I could be. In hindsight, that’s probably not entirely true; I think it gave me access to the tools I needed to start becoming who I wanted to be. It wasn’t as simple as taking the medication, problem solved, but fuck me, it helped a lot.

Before the medication, I suffered terribly from impostor syndrome. I had no self-belief and felt like I was fluking my way through life. The medication changed that, and for the first time in my life, I found elements of myself that I liked. I wasn’t oozing with pride, but it was a start.

Things started going my way; I left a relationship that had been struggling for years and managed to do so with a surprising amount of mutuality. I’d been too afraid of change and upsetting people to do so sooner. I started to be better with my money. Before medication, it was challenging to see how quickly I could spend it. If I did a big week of work with plenty of overtime and plenty of living away from home allowance, I would think of what I was going to spend the money on before I even had it. I was fucking hopeless. Now I was channelling all my disposable income into debt; once that was gone, I even started to save. I began to work my way up at work. After almost ten years in the same or similar roles, I finally began to move into leadership roles, something I thought I was capable of for a long time prior, and I would always feel ripped off when someone else got promoted instead of me. This was a big one for me. I used to be ashamed of what I did for work; I felt like I was underachieving. So getting promoted and having my job title changed to something more impressive helped lift my self-confidence. In one three-year period, after ten years of bad luck, I had a bit of good luck and moved up four positions at work. Got the big flash work car, computer, fuel card, got to tell people what to do, like a real fuckin’ hero.

I met my current partner; we saved together. We bought a house, something I had always wanted to do and was starting to think I’d never be able to do. It was also something that I stupidly placed a lot of status on. Knowing I could tell people we (the bank) owned a house bought me more happiness than the house itself. I guess this is how self-conscious you can become when you grow up feeling a little bit different to everyone else but not having it confirmed and not having people take you seriously when you try to tell them that you felt left out or not quite the same.

I’ve had one significant mental health struggle since being medicated.

It was COVID lockdowns into the most stressful period of my life. Work was flat out (in that great job I always wanted so that I could tell people my job title). We moved cities, had a baby, started a new job, rented out the house and bought a new home within four weeks. In the months leading up to it, I was fucking stressed. My substance abuse blew out of control, and I ended up having a drug and alcohol-induced meltdown on April 18th, 2022. I’ve been sober ever since.

My diagnosis and medication haven’t fixed my mental health. That’s not how mental health works, and I think many people make the mistake of assuming medication alone will do all the heavy lifting. But finally, being correctly diagnosed and medicated put me in a position to make the necessary changes to repair my mental health.

I think a bunch of factors need to be woven together for someone to start to heal genuinely. You need a certain amount of each, and each person’s perfect balance will be different. I haven’t found mine yet, and maybe I never will. But I’m never going to stop looking for it.

One thing I know is that after all that’s happened in the last six years, especially the last nine months of sobriety, I am in the best mental health I have been in my adult life.

The diagnosis and medication put me on that path. It helped me achieve those things that I placed so much value on when I was younger, the things that now I know mean so little, but they were significant at the time. They gave me a sense of meaning and purpose; the medication helped me to execute them.

Thanks to those early steps I took, I’ve achieved nine months of sobriety; my five-month-old has never, and hopefully will never, see me drink or be drunk. Being a father is helping me soothe the trauma I’ve carried since childhood. The trauma that some/none/most/all could be attributed to growing up with ADHD without getting the extra or different kind of attention I needed.

Although my life has been infinitely better since being diagnosed with ADHD at 28 years old, I wouldn’t change a thing. The way I view things has changed. I’m glad I went through everything I did because, in terms of my mental health, I am in a better position now than I ever have been, plus I am all the better for the lessons I have learned along the way.

That said, I think if someone has a condition, they deserve to know they have it. So below, I’m going to share some of the things I’ve discovered in hindsight that could have prevented me from waiting so long for my diagnosis to hopefully help someone else get diagnosed sooner so they can get on with enjoying a better life sooner.

Here’s a brilliant short film on ADHD by a friend’s son. Enjoy.

Signs You or Someone You Know May Have ADHD

School Reports

These are comments from my school reports from year 7 to year 9. I spent 13 years in school. So this is just a sample size of my school reports. All of them read similarly, however.

I have highlighted the comments that would indicate someone may have ADHD.

Ironically, my younger sister, who didn’t have nearly the behavioural issues I had, was tested for ADHD as a kid; it turns out she has dyslexia…

Difficulty Reading

Mostly, my English, spelling and grammar are pretty good. It’s not that I can’t read; my reading is perfectly fine when it wants to be.

The problem is I don’t take in the information I am reading. Or if I do, it’s only for a short period. My mind wanders, and I find myself thinking about something completely different halfway through a page. If pressed to recite anything I had just read, I would struggle.

Bionic reading has proven to help neurodiverse people both read and ingest information. So if you find reading what’s on the right easier than on the left, you might want to look into some form of online ADHD testing.

If you found this beneficial, click here to access a browser extension that allows you to turn any web page into the same format.

Poor Organisation or Time Management

I ALWAYS think I have more time than I do. Things do or should take less time than they do. No matter how often I learn that they don’t, I still struggle. I can squeeze more things into a window of time than possible and work to learn from previous experiences.

If you find you are the same, this may not be “just the way you are”. There could be more to it…

Impulsivity or Impulsiveness

Yesterday afternoon, my partner and I were discussing a serious matter, and my mind couldn't help but think of watering my vegetables. My impulsivity took over as I interrupted my partner's sentence to tell her I was off to water my vegetables.

Despite not having ill intentions, this sudden and uncontrollable urge to act on a task is a hallmark trait of ADHD, highlighting the difficulty in controlling impulses and staying focused during essential conversations. Impulsivity and impulsiveness are common symptoms of ADHD, manifesting in behaviours such as interrupting others during conversation, difficulty waiting for one's turn, struggles in expressing/controlling emotions and acting on dangerous impulses.

I guess I’m fortunate to have a patient and understanding partner.

Sound like you? You may have ADHD!

Difficulty With Focus and Concentration

Difficulty with focus and concentration is a common trait of adults with ADHD. It can manifest in various ways, such as being easily distracted by external stimuli, having difficulty staying on task, having a short attention span, following instructions, and remembering details.

Try this Pomodoro timer and see if it helps you with your focus. It’s been proven that we are more efficient, better focused and more productive when we break our work time down into smaller chunks of time. I've found it's helped me immeasurably.

Hyperactivity or a feeling of restlessness.

Hyperactivity or a feeling of restlessness is another characteristic of ADHD in adults. It can manifest in various ways. Things such as fidgeting or squirming, difficulty sitting still, constant movement or activity, difficulty engaging in quiet activities, and difficulty relaxing.

These symptoms can make it challenging for an individual to focus and concentrate on tasks, follow through on projects, and affect personal and professional life.

Hyperactivity can also be perceived as a sign of restlessness or agitation, making it difficult for the individual to relax and be calm. Daily #exercise, a healthy diet made up of mostly whole foods, and consistent sleep times have significantly helped with this.

Difficulty Following Through With Tasks of Completing Projects

Difficulty following through on tasks or completing projects is a common trait of adults with ADHD. It can manifest in various ways, such as difficulty starting tasks, difficulty staying focused on tasks, difficulty completing tasks or projects, difficulty sticking to a routine and difficulty sticking to a schedule.

These symptoms can make it challenging for an individual to accomplish their goals and objectives, both in personal and professional life and can also affect their self-esteem and motivation. Completing tasks can also lead to procrastination and feeling overwhelmed, making it hard to stay organised and focused. It can also lead to a feeling of helplessness and frustration.

Summary

It’s frustrating that there is still some denial around ADHD, particularly in adults. This feeds into the stigma that ADHD is a bad thing. It’s inconvenient, and I don’t buy into the bullshit that it is a superpower; however, when managed correctly, there are aspects of ADHD that can be taken advantage of.

I don’t understand the fear of diagnosis. If you have ADHD, you have it. Whether you have been diagnosed or not. You do not HAVE to take medication if you don’t wish to. At least then, you have some options. You can further educate yourself about the condition and gain a better understanding of yourself which will maybe help you to stop being so fucking hard on yourself. I know that it has done that for me.

So do an online test if you think you should; the only thing that can come from a diagnosis is plenty of valuable options that, when applied correctly, could improve your life drastically.

Click here to test yourself. I just did. Here are my results.

Cheers Wankers.

Click here to read my other work. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @sbrngthghts.

If anyone else could benefit from this blog or want to support me, why not share it with someone? Better yet, consider gifting someone a subscription.

Start writing today. Use the button below to create your Substack and connect your publication with Sobering Thoughts.

Start a Substack

If anyone is struggling in any way, make someone aware of it. Speak to a friend, family, loved one, stranger, postman, uber eats driver, or me; talk to someone.

Lifeline Ph: 13 11 14

Alcoholics Anonymous Ph: 1300 222 222

NSW Mental Health Line Ph: 1800 011 511

Suicide Call Back Service Ph: 1300 659 467

Mensline Australia Ph: 1300 78 99 78

Kids Helpline Ph: 1800 55 1800