Full Plate- The Rebuild Week 6

Managing my workload and the mental challenges that come with it.

Sobriety

I haven’t touched on sobriety lately because, to be honest, I haven’t really had anything to add. This is a good thing. It means that It’s not something I think about often. A week ago was my 400th day sober. I wrote a blog and didn’t even realise. It wasn’t until a couple of days after that that I thought, “I must be pretty close to 400 days now”. It was really pleasing to realise that I had passed a milestone, and it was so insignificant that I didn’t even notice it. It’s really starting to feel as though sobriety doesn’t define me any more. It is simply just a part of what I do. So that’s pretty fuckin’ cool.

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Full Plate

I don’t know if people notice things like this, but I usually write this blog so that it’s ready on a Tuesday. I have done it since my 7th day of sobriety, 400 days ago. The OCD in me is annoyed that this one will be out after 9:30 am on a Wednesday, a deadline I made up in my head that, in reality, means sweet fuck all.

The fact is, at the moment, I have a little too much on my plate. I am trying to do too much. I have been guilty of it all my adult life, and I only recently started to understand why. If I’m always busy, I don’t have any spare time to sit with my thoughts. Put simply, It’s an avoidance strategy.

When people get sober, they often throw themselves right into something positive that mimics the dopamine release they once got from substances. I was guilty of this too. In the early days, I was waking up at 3 am to go to the gym for 90 minutes every morning before work. I remember at the time thinking, “fuck me,m I hope I don’t have to do this forever because this is not going to be sustainable”.

Of course, I didn’t have to maintain that level of exercise or commitment to a healthier outlet to maintain my sobriety. The more work I did, the easier it becomes, and my reliance on things like exercise dissipated somewhat.

But the neural pathways I developed over 33 years in an effort to ever be alone with my thoughts are strongly ingrained in my brain and are going to take some work to rebuild. So my tendency to overfill my plate with things I “have” to do, while not as strong as it were, remains.

While we have had some wins over the last few weeks, things have also been tough. With work slowing down for the winter and our financial future becoming more secure, as a household, we’ve been battling an on-again, off-again cold that isn’t enough to keep us grounded but just enough to be really fucking annoying.

When you have a full plate, you have no wiggle room for things like this. Having a full plate is stressful because when things pop up, and they do, you need to pull the extra time and energy from somewhere, and my face isn’t red… Let me know when you get that one…

As I struggle for that extra time and energy, it’s always the extracurricular activities I do for myself and my well-being that get the chop first and of course, there is a flow-on effect from there. When I don’t make time for these things, I start to struggle a little bit mentally because I’m sacrificing the things that give me mental energy for things that, while yes, are important and need to be done, are energy-draining.

Being a blithering fucking anxious mess, I catastrophise a lot. I think that if I go a couple of days without running, I’ll never run again and turn into a fat oaf that needs to be bathed by my partner with a wet broom while I roll around in bed, something I’m not sure she’d be into.

I’m getting there, though. Slowly I am learning that it is ok to do less and that missing one run won’t result in me gaining 50kg or losing the aerobic base that I have built over years of plodding, but it takes work to remind myself of this each time. So long as I get back on the horse the next day or the day after, everything is going to be ok.

Change is difficult, though and for someone who is used to doing things all the fucking time, learning it’s ok to do less is an incremental process.

After another week or so off running, I went for a run on Monday. I was struggling a little. My right quad was sore, my lower back was sore, and the cold air was irritating my throat. In reality, this is to be expected of someone who hasn’t run nearly as much as I would have liked over the last three weeks and for someone who has been sick. Still, I started to panic. I started to think that there was no way I would be able to complete my 100k race in September. I may as well pull out now and save myself the embarrassment.

If I nip it in the bud now, fewer people will notice, and it will be easier out for me. I started to get upset that I was thinking like this. I don’t want to be a quitter. I announced that I would be attempting this race, and the secondary reason for raising money for Beyond Blue is to keep me accountable. To make sure that I keep my training on track.

The reality is, if I were to decide right now that I wasn’t going to be able to complete the race and I’m going to can it, no one would actually care. The money that has been donated goes straight to Beyond Blue, which is still a great cause. Plus, these people have already parted with that money, and I can’t imagine would be expecting a refund should I not complete the race.

I got home and spoke to my partner about how I was feeling, and she said, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?“ to which I said, “I don’t finish the race”. She didn’t need to say anything more.

I’ve always run for myself. Primarily for my mental health and secondly for my physical health. I register for events for accountability and these days as an opportunity to catch up with and run with my friends. I just figure if I’m going to do these things, I may as well try to raise a bit of money at the same time.

Anyway, the run is still going ahead. If I don’t finish, I don’t finish, and it feels nice to relieve myself of that pressure. Either way, I am going to learn a lot, and that’s what it’s all about.

But, back to the plate. I feel like I need to make room on my plate for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we need to keep a minimum amount of time and energy in reserve to help deal with any unexpected shit sandwiches that get thrown our way. Secondly, I’m not going to improve at sitting with my thoughts unless I practice it, so I need to allow time for that also. And lastly, if I get to a point where I have spare time and energy and am comfortable with my thoughts, I can spend that time living my life. Doing things that re-energise me. Spending time with my family or working on something I’m passionate about.

I’ve been writing two weekly blogs for the last eight months. This blog, Sobering Thoughts, has been instrumental in helping me maintain my sobriety. It’s part of a weekly process that, to date, has worked. I genuinely don’t know that I would still be sober without it. I started the second blog, Secondary Thoughts, to give me a space to talk about things not relevant to sobriety. Just stuff that is on my mind or things I found interesting.

I thoroughly enjoy writing both, and I get a lot out of each of them for different reasons. Since I turned on a paid subscription option, I have been making my second blog of the week for paid subscribers only, with a preview for non-paid subscribers. The dream was, and still is, to find a way to monetise helping others to a point where I could dedicate more time to it.

Recently, I have found myself feeling conflicted when writing some of these Secondary Thoughts blogs. I feel almost like a hypocrite. The entire reason I share my thought and experiences is an attempt to help as many people as possible. That’s why I have made my Secondary Thoughts available to all subscribers recently. While I feel I am obligated to provide paid subscribers something extra for their generous contributions, I also feel like I am doing the wrong thing by writing things I believe could benefit others only to restrict the number of people it could reach.

I never intend for these blogs to take me as long as they do to write, but sometimes I just get carried away, and I think that speaks to the cathartic nature of writing that I’ve been able to enjoy over the last 13 months. But the facts are, I spend anywhere from four to ten hours a week writing the two blogs and with a full-time job, an Airbnb to run and a young family, sometimes I feel like it’s all too much.

Turning on paid subscriptions has been an amazing learning experience for me, and I’ve been blown away that people are actually willing to part with their hard-earned just to hear what I have to say. But I have found myself telling myself that I HAVE to write my second blog each week. I have been prioritising it over arguably more important things because I feel I am indebted to those with paid subscriptions. I love writing them, and I never find myself short of ideas on what to speak about, but at times, I am struggling to find the time and energy to write them.

With everything else that’s going on in my life, I’m at a point where I need more flexibility to ensure I am managing myself, my sobriety, my family and job in a way that still allows me that little bit of wiggle room on my plate.

So for the above reasons, I have no longer written exclusively for paid subscribers.

I will always publish Sobering Thoughts weekly because it’s so important to me and because I believe it’s the most beneficial to others. But given I’m no longer counting my days sober, I think it’s time for me to allow myself a little slack and publish it on whatever day works best for me.

A few weeks ago, I turned off all subscriber-related emails and stopped checking the word count on my blog. I believe it has improved my writing. It has certainly given me less bullshit to stress about. It’s just another small change I can make to keep me focused on what truly matters. Or as the great Matt Breen once told me, I need to make some room on the plate in case the dim sim trolly comes past again.

I still want to write a second blog each week, but if I can’t, I can’t, and I crave that freedom and autonomy. I think writing because I want to and not because I feel I have to will improve the standard of my writing again.

To my beloved paid subscribers, thank you so much. Never in a million years did I imagine anyone would pay to read anything I published. You’ve helped make an extremely insecure bloke that little bit less secure.

Please feel no guilt if you wish to return your subscription to a free one. You won’t hurt my feelings. I’m just grateful people were willing to pay in the first place.

I’ve also decided to drop my paid subscription to $4 a month or $1 a week. So if you wish to keep supporting me, you can. This might just make it a little bit easier to do so.

Substack doesn’t allow monthly subscriptions of less than $5, so I created an ongoing discount that you can access here.

I apologise to anyone who feels hard done by. I want to thank each and every one of you for your ongoing support. Each and everyone one of you has provided me with the accountability I need to stay on track, and my family and I are forever grateful for that.

Cheers Wankers.

X.

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Bogues Tonnes Up.

Each week I will chuck a bit about my journey to my first 100k run at the Sri Chinmoy Canberra Trail 100k for anyone who gives a shit.

I spoke enough about my running earlier. I’m easing back into it now and hoping my body responds well so I can try to ramp things up again.

I’ve wanted to do a 100k for a while now, but I also want to raise as much money as possible for Beyond Blue. A fantastic charity that does brilliant work in the mental health space.

If you want to help out and help keep me accountable for this fucking ridiculous goal, CLICK HERE to make a 100% tax-deductible donation.

Every cent counts, and you’ll be comfortable knowing it’s going to a reputable organisation who do fantastic work.

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Make sure you check out my Writing 4 Resilience friends. They’re all legends.

Running for Resilience Ben Alexander Brent Ford Running Rare The Milkbar Reflections of a Clare Bear

If anyone is struggling in any way, make someone aware of it. Speak to a friend, family, loved one, stranger, postman, uber eats driver, or me; talk to someone.

Lifeline Ph: 13 11 14

Alcoholics Anonymous Ph: 1300 222 222

NSW Mental Health Line Ph: 1800 011 511

Suicide Call Back Service Ph: 1300 659 467

Mensline Australia Ph: 1300 78 99 78

Kids Helpline Ph: 1800 55 1800