Feelin' A Little Michael Flatley

I've been a little flat lately, and it mightn't change in a hurry.

What Happened

I was doing some breathwork on the weekend, and the thought came to me that it’s been a while since I’ve had a prolonged or sustained period of pure happiness.

Initially, I thought nothing of it. I’ve been practising letting thoughts float around in my head and not giving them the attention they crave for a long time. After all, thoughts are just that, thoughts. They don’t mean anything unless we allow them to. They do not define us and aren’t necessarily genuine or authentic.

This thought stuck with me for a while, though. No matter how hard I tried to let it go, it kept bothering me. It wasn’t the thought itself but the fact that I had it. Why did I think I hadn’t experienced sustained happiness or contentment for a while?

The more I ruminated on it, the more I started to believe that maybe this thought in particular was true. I concluded that I was not unhappy. I’m certainly not depressed. I know how those two feel, and this isn’t it. I’m just… a bit flat.

Me being me, I’ve been trying to unpack it since it happened. Not because I think it’s wrong or bad to feel like this; there’s a reason why we can have these thoughts and feelings; we need them. But I couldn’t help but wonder why I would feel flat at this stage in my life when I have no reason to be.

I guess I found it more annoying than anything because I feel I’m doing more of the excellent shit than ever. I’m getting up early; I’ve doubled the time I spend doing breathwork; I’m getting 30-40 minutes of Zone 2 exercise daily; I get at least two hours alone with my 13-month-old son every afternoon; I’m getting on top of my poor relationship with food; I’m losing weight without starving myself or doing ridiculous amounts of exercise, and I see improvements in my performance when exercising.

When I considered all this, it pissed me off that although I was starting to find a great balance in all I do, I was still susceptible to feeling this way. I felt like it was unfair like I was being cheated.

Then, I gave myself a fuckin’ uppercut and pulled my fuckin’ head in.

I thought back to when I was first diagnosed with depression at age 22, and I remember being nervous as shit to tell the people close to me about it. When I finally got the stones to share my diagnosis with the people most important to me, one of them, probably the one I expected this from the least, said, “Depressed? You? What could you possibly have to depressed about.”

It floored me. Although we didn’t have access to the information we have now back then, as an anxious and depressed 22-year-old going to those closest to me for support, this was not what I expected.

But the point is, your thoughts and feelings don’t give a fuck about what you do or how much material bullshit you have. If you feel a certain way and your brain thinks it’s important enough for you to know about, it’ll find a way to let you know.

I needed to remind myself of that. I needed to remember that we can do all the right things in the world and still be susceptible to feeling a bit flat or much worse. Being pissed off about it and making wholesale change wasn’t going to help.

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Why It Happened

I had my monthly catch-up with my psychologist on Wednesday, just three days after I had started to struggle with this thought. The timing couldn’t have been better, and it was easily one of the most productive sessions I have had with her for some time.

As I sat there ranting and raving about how this had happened, I didn’t understand why I was doing all the right things; this was unfair. I was surprised when she calmly told me that this all made sense. Relieved, confused and a little concerned, I sat there a little stunned, waiting for her to elaborate.

She explained that over the last 17 or so years, I have been forcing dopamine reuptake in my brain in various ways. Alcohol, cocaine, MDMA, gym sessions, running real fuckin’ far for no real reason, binge eating junk food and doom scrolling on my phone.

I’ve written before about how I don’t believe we get addicted to substances or activities but rather the feelings we get from them. I certainly believe this is true in my case. I had arrived at a point where I would never allow myself to be present because I was fucking terrified of what that might feel like. Before I even got the opportunity to experience a negative emotion, I’d be subconsciously preempting it and doing any of the above to avoid it.

When you look at the list of things above, all can be classed as addictive. All can be detrimental to our health when abused, and coincidently, all of them are things I have either eliminated from my life or am working hard to improve my relationship with.

I’ve been sober for over 17 months now, so the first three are out. I make a concerted effort to reduce screen time by tracking it daily and using the do not disturb feature outside of work hours. More recently, I have been addressing my issues around overexercising to enable my poor relationship with food.

Now, all she was saying was starting to make perfect sense.

I am a dopamine fiend. As someone with ADHD, I struggle with natural dopamine uptake. So when I find a little well of it, I’m like a pig at a troff, which explains why I overindulged in all different things throughout my life.

Here I am now, intentionally removing. these readily accessible sources of dopamine because the way that I use them is not sustainable or healthy in the long term. But where the fuck do I get it from now?

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Where To From Here

My psychologist warned me that this feeling may happen occasionally as I transition away from these forced sources of dopamine and into more organic sources. She told me that this next period of finally letting go of the last things I was using to avoid my feelings would be the hardest part of my journey to date.

She also reassured me that I was doing the right things and that, in time, I would find more contentment in the little things and that true contentment will come from a place where all dopamine is sourced from the repetitive, day-to-day activities like spending two hours alone with my son each afternoon.

I believe her, too. In many ways, I am a very different person from who I was 17 months ago, and those around me can attest to that. I’m finding more joy in the simple things than ever before. She implored me to stay the course and keep doing what I do because it’s working.

Building a neural pathway takes about 10,000 repetitions. So, it can take anywhere from three months to two years to fully form a new neural pathway.

Our Neuroplasticity (ability to learn) peaks around the age of 25 and slowly starts to taper off.

I’ll be 35 at the end of next month, so I need to accept that I’m just going to have to be patient and remind myself of the below key points.

• What I am doing is working. Stay the course.

• Sustainable change happens incrementally.

• Your trajectory is right; don’t panic.

• Negative feelings aren’t just okay. They’re imperative. Let them be.

Lastly, I just wanted to touch on the value of a good psychologist. In this example, the timing was perfect. I had an experience and was able to ruminate on it for a few days, and then she was able to help me reflect on the experience and give me tools to help navigate anything similar moving forward.

If you’re considering reaching out for professional help, you’re probably already in a position where you should. Do it. I’m glad I did.

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Foremind Podcast

I was lucky enough to be invited to speak with Joel Anderson on the Foremind Podcast, Forethought. We discussed mental health challenges, misdiagnosis, ADHD, writing and the tools we use to manage all of the above.

The below is from the About section of Foremind’s LinkedIn.

Foremind is the first worker focused wellbeing platform in Australia, combining real time counselling with content that has been written specifically for workers. In light of the recent Psychosocial Hazard regulations, we also allow companies to manage their risks as well as allow workers to anonymously report hazards so we can assess and control them before they reach crisis point.

Our mission is to reduce suicide in key industrial sectors across Australia, and our vision is to make it simple for organisations to put mental health support in the pockets of their workers.

We understand that EAP isn't just providing a phone number to call when you need it. We are proactive in our approach and have developed an array of support materials to provide convenient support to your workers while helping you maintain your compliance under the new Psychosocial Hazard legislation.

Click here to listen on Spotify.

Cheers Wankers.

X.

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Click here to check my other blogs. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @sbrngthghts.

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Make sure you check out my Writing 4 Resilience friends. They’re all legends.

Running for Resilience Ben Alexander Brent Ford Running Rare The Milkbar Reflections of a Clare Bear

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