45 Weeks of Sobriety- The Discipline Fallacy

I'm not disciplined, I'm scared...

Today I have been sober for 45 weeks. 315 days.

Sobriety

I had a massive week last week. I was away all week scoping future work. I did 3,500 kilometres in five days. Surf Beach, Campbelltown, Goulburn, Surf Beach, Merimbula, Pakenham, Mornington Peninsula and back to Surf Beach, all with a dodgy back.

When I travel for work, I do bigger than standard hours because I want to get home. Even though I get compensated well for being away, the extra money isn’t important to me, and it’s not worth dragging a trip out any longer than it needs to be at the expense of being home with my family.

It’s an almost manic motivation to get as much done as possible in my time. It’s strong enough to take over my mind and, at times, to convince me to step out of my daily routine to get the work done. This means less sleep. I struggle to sleep in unfamiliar environments anyway. It means less exercise because I’d rather spend that couple of hours a day knocking out more work. It means I have less time to plan and organise my food, so I don’t eat as well as usual. Everything that keeps me physically and mentally well that I have been practising and preaching over the last 45 weeks is at risk of being compromised.

After burning the candle at both ends with a big trip week away working, then spending 18 hours over the weekend painting the apartment downstairs, the candle was just about burned out, and the two flames were about to meet in the middle.

So, as expected, by late last week, negative thoughts and feelings about drugs and alcohol started to creep back into my mind. This time though, I was there to meet them head-on. I knew they were coming. I could dismiss the thoughts quicker than ever before because I was prepared for them.

Although uncomfortable, it was a good reminder that I’m not just out here battling away trying to obtain from drugs and alcohol but growing and learning. My mind is often too frantic to properly reflect on how far I have come and fully appreciate the learnings sobriety has given me.

Now it’s time to look at how I can better prepare for my next trip away to ensure I don’t fall so far outside my routine without sacrificing too much productivity.

Suggestions welcomed!

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Confession: I Am Not Disciplined

When I share these blogs on social media, I often get comments or messages from people saying they wished they had the discipline I have. Spoiler alert, I don’t have a lot of discipline.

In fact, at times, I have proven that I have no discipline at all. You don’t tell yourself for the first three days of the week that you won’t drink on the weekend, then wind up drunk on a Thursday night if you have strong discipline.

You don’t tell yourself all week that you’re not going to take drugs on the weekend only to end up organising to buy coke after half a beer at lunchtime on a Saturday if you have strong discipline.

You certainly don’t start hounding every known contact in your phone in “that world” at 3 am on a Sunday when you’re about to run out of coke trying to get more if you have strong discipline, even after telling yourself what a stupid idea it is.

You don’t gradually withdraw cash from supermarkets throughout the week, so your partner doesn’t see ATM withdrawals on the bank statement of the shared account, so you can make sure you have enough cash to buy drugs on the weekend, even though you’ve been telling yourself you’re not going to take drugs on the weekend, but you need the comfort of having the cash sitting there just in case if you have strong, fucking, discipline!

Ok, you get the point.

When it comes to discipline, I’m fucking hopeless. I still am.

I struggle a lot with food. After dinner is the worst time. I love sweet shit. When I went vegan 3.5 years ago, I thought my snacking would improve. All the sweet shit I liked to eat was loaded with dairy. But then the clever pricks started making plant-based ice cream, chocolate, protein bars etc. It was ok initially because they all tasted like shit.

But now the sneaky fuckers are somehow making all this plant-based confectionary more and more delicious every day. There’s a bigger market for it now. More prominent companies are catching on. As the market increases, so does the competition, forcing these companies to improve and improve their products.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that there are more options for people, and it’s no one’s fault but mine that I struggle to avoid them, but sometimes selfishly, I wish we could go back to the days when vegan confectionary tasted like cardboard and charcoal mixed to make it easier for me to avoid the shit.

It’s not discipline that drives me to stay sober. Nor is it discipline that drives me to get up early and exercise. It’s fear. Nothing else.

Over the past 45 weeks, I have built a framework that I live within that works. It keeps me sober, it keeps me fit, and it keeps me from turning back into this…

I don’t do what I do because I’m some fucking iron-minded guru that lives in some orb filled with positivity. I do it because I’m fucking terrified of this prick above me sneaking back into my life. At times I think I might be obsessive about my routine. I panic when things are out of order. It makes me feel a little high-strung at times. But it works, and you don’t change a working system.

I’m terrified of putting weight back on. I’m terrified of undoing all the difficult emotional work I’ve done over the last 45 weeks. I don’t want to lose this newfound clarity of mind and sense of calm that’s evaded me for so many years. I still live with my frantic ADHD brain, but it’s slowing down and getting calmer. It’s a gentler existence. Most of all, I’m terrified of being a flawed role model to my son. I never want him to meet the guy above.

The guy above played an essential role in my life, and I don’t regret anything because I love where I am right now. He’s the one who got me here. I have hard days, but the guy above had more challenging days. He was doing everything he could to avoid facing the reasons why. For years he was miserable and lying to himself about it. It’s not a pleasant or sustainable way to live, especially once you discover a better way.

It’s the fear of losing everything that sobriety has given that drives me, not fucking discipline.

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Chasing The Scream

I’m not much of a book guy. I don’t read at all. I do listen to a lot of audiobooks, though. I’ve never recommended books in my blogs before, but I felt compelled to recommend this one.

Chasing The Scream is the latest book by best-selling author and probably my favourite author, Johann Hari. I listened to this book in its entirety over the weekend whilst painting. That’s probably why I was so happy to keep painting because fuck me, painting is a shit job.

This is essential reading/listening for anyone (literally everyone, in my opinion) impacted by addiction in some way, shape or form.

Shout out

Clare Carey

For the recommendation!

Here’s one of his TED talks based on the same research he did for this book.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers Wankers.

X.

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Click here to read my other work. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @sbrngthghts.

Make sure you check out my Writing 4 Resilience friends. They’re all legends.

Running for Resilience Ben Alexander Brent Ford Running Rare The Milkbar Reflections of a Clare Bear

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