Thank you for sharing SoberStack and huge recognition for your 15 months, Sam! Beautiful, powerful reflections—they speak to the inner work and the outer, everyday actions and practices. I consider folks who identify as being recovery to be some of the most courageous, most honest people I know. I feel truly grateful to call them community. Celebrating you, and cheering you on.
Thanks so much, Dana. I was motivated a little by SoberStack with this one. I think it’s just a great idea to have a resource where someone can open an article and then have links to something more specific, relative to where they are at. The online, sober community are incredible, I value them a lot. Very grateful they were and are there when I need!
Becoming the best version of myself I can be so that I can be the role model and dad possible for my son. Pretty much dedicating any spare time and energy on that. That and running. I’m trying to build back up to more endurance type distances.
Nice. Mine is to have a meaningful career and set a great example for my girls because I don’t want them to end up in shit jobs. And I can’t help them with that unless I sort my career out first.
I like the way you used the word meaningful rather than successful or whatever.
My parents drummed into me that i need to get a qualification. Even if I don't use it, I need it as a back up. I never got one, and I think that had a lot to do with my sense of underachievement in my early 20's which I think had a lot to do with my low self esteem and substance use.
Not their fault in any way, it's sound advice and advice I wish I had taken more seriously. But at the time I interpreted this as "if you don't get a qualification you've failed".
Dad would also always say to me, "money makes the world go 'round, the more you have, the further you go", which I think speaks to the attitude of most people of his generation. So in terms of career choices, I always based them on financial outcomes. I never wanted to be a road worker, in fact, I scoffed at the idea initially because as an arrogant 19 year old I thought it was beneath me, it wasn't until i heard about the money I could make, particularly through overtime and living away allowance that I decided it was a good idea.
I was 19 years old and making well above the average Australian salary, doing somewhat meaningful work, and I was ashamed of myself because I didn't have a fucking qualification. How ridiculous is that?
Hopefully when Sonny is 18 I can say to him, go and spend 5-7 years doing whatever the fuck you want. Go and try some things. Find something you love and find a way to spend the rest of your life being paid to do it, because that's what I wish I had done/had the opportunity to do. Hopefully by then we are in a position to help him with a uni degree or whatever it might be he wants to do because I think it's fucking ridiculous to expect 16-18 year olds to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I think it's something like only 40% of Australians work in the field that they got qualifications in. That's a lot of wasted qualifications!
Success is an interesting term and it means different things to all of us but I love success being termed as living to your values. Society generally determines success in terms of money and awards/recognition.
Yeah i agree, that's why i would like to be able to provide him the opportunity to go out into the world and find what is meaningful to him and then come back home or whatever while he gets the qualification that helps him work in the field that he wants to.
Meaning is what provides intrinsic motivation too which helps achieve the qualifications. I would say from my clinical practice experience there are still more people in a job because it pays their bills than a job that gives them meaning/purpose.
Yeah, I think sometimes people are in too much of a rush to grow up and figure everything out at once and then get themselves stuck in a position where they have certain responsibilities that come at a certain cost. So people feel like they need to stay in their job because of those things. But in reality they're too afraid to live without those things they enjoy or they don't want the change bad enough.
I think the next best thing is to have a job that you don't hate or a job that although not your passion you can enjoy, in exchange for the financial freedom and time to pursue those meaningful things outside of work. It's not as good as doing something you love for work, but it's better than working big hours in a job you don't like. That's sort of where I am at and I'm happy enough with that for now.
Childrens future has been an interesting topic of discussion on my treatment room. Parents worried that their children will get involved with drugs or that they won't have a good career. Society has a hierarchy of jobs, people tend to look down on check out operators, garbage truck drivers, cleaners etc but in reality we need people to do all these jobs. Everyone and every job is valued in society but it's the monetary value placed on them that makes some rank higher and others lower.
But like we've discussed, if you love that job, are passionate about it and it gives you purpose and meaning, who cares what the job actually is? People are far happier in work that gives them meaning than they are in a job who pays thousands or millions.
We can see in the trend of high depression rates in developed countries and low rates in developing countries. As a society, we are focusing on superficial things.
Having recently witness someone with billions of dollars, I got the impression that they are one of the saddest loneliest people in the world.
Yep, you're spot on. In the corporate world, the people who get paid the most are the people with the most responsibility and in turn in the most stressful roles.
Obviously it's more complex than this but to simplify it, the more you get paid the more likely you are to be trading your mental health/happiness for that money. But as a society we are so competitive and obsessed with status. My MIL always told my partner to go to uni, she didn't. Now whenever they're together and someone asks my partner what she does, she says I'm in the public service, I work for this department and the MIL chimes in with "she's this level" as though it's important.
MIL didn't go to uni herself and I think she has long been insecure about that, not sure where that comes from in her case, but clearly she's still insecure about that in regards to her children too. My parents, while not as extreme, were similar in the idea that getting that qualification was essential to success. It gives me hope that it's a generational attitude that can be phased out in time.
Don't get me wrong, I think qualifications are brilliant and should make navigating through life easier, if I had my time again i would have got one myself, but the idea that not having one, or not having a high-level job is going to cap someone's ability to succeed is a little ridiculous and it's dangerous to put that idea in the minds of young people because they will start to believe it and think they're not good enough should that not follow that route.
How are you developing the best version of yourself? What is your image of the best version of yourself? And what is the definition of best role model and Dad?
Good question! Gives me the opportunity to consider it properly and unpack it a little for myself. I might struggle to articulate it perfectly, so bare with me and I'll do my best.
I used to think "the best version of myself" is something we become. Like something we attain. Like a Uni degree or whatever. Like I have arrived here at this point and this is me forever. But life doesn't work that way. It's more like daily refresher courses that modify the curriculum relative to what's going on in your life. Like a preventative maintenance contract.
For me, it's about trying to make the best decision possible, as many times per day as possible. It's estimated we make 35,000-50,000 decisions each day. I don't think it's as simple as making the right or wrong decision each time and I don't think we can choose the best option each of those times either. But I think if we consciously try to make the best possible decision in as many of those instances as we can, it'll set us on our way.
More often than not, the best decision is not the easiest option. As someone who has struggled with drugs, alcohol and other addictive issues, I have had tendency in the past to take the easy option, which wasn't the best decision and only hindered me long term. For example, drinking when stressed instead of going for a walk, run, or catching up with a friend.
I think I am the best version of myself when I am serving the people who I care about the most. The problem I had with this in the past was that i was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was seeking validation in others. So I would do what would be considered the right thing to do, but when I didn't get the validation I was after, I would let it upset me and I would feel as though I wasn't valued. This is where I would slip into the woe-is-me mindset and let the negative thoughts take charge and send me down a spiral.
What I've learned over the last 15 months is that for me to genuinely feel proud of myself and my actions, I have to do them for the right reasons, and not because I am seeking something in return. Those reasons being that they are simply the right thing to do and because being able to bring happiness, relief or comfort to those I care about makes me feel like I add value to their lives and have purpose.
To get to that point where I am able to do that, I need to make sure I'm ok first. This is where it comes back to making good decisions. Everyday i wake up and follow the same routine because I know it works for me and sets me up. Most days I spend an hour alone with my son, until he has a turd and is ready to go back to bed. So from the moment i start the day I have a good idea of what matters the most in life. Then I do my stretching routine, this is what I have to do to be able to keep running each day which is probably one of the biggest levers I have to manage my mental health. It also makes me feel better throughout the day. I stop by the beach on the way to work and do breath work. It helps me empty my mind a little and kind of separates home me from work me. It's like I sit down as home me and stand up as work me. I try to run on the way home from work, because I hate going home and then going out again because my son gets excited when I get home and sad when I leave. It also gives me that time to rinse all the work stuff out of my head and transition back to home me before I get home. This way when I get home, I can have a quick shower, my head is in a good place and I'm in a position to present the best and most present version of myself as possible.
I say serving others and anyone in AA will say that Serving others is truly what life is about, but this time of an afternoon is hands down the most amazing part of the day for me. We are all at home, we're all excited to see each other, usually the most important tasks of the day are finished and it's just so nice to feel like nothing else is as important as this time right now and for that time to just be pure enjoyment. I've never in my life felt as present as when I do during that golden hour of an afternoon.
When i do all this, my mind is calmer and I am a much better listener. I don't panic and think about my response in a conversation while the other person is still talking then not fully listen to what they are saying. I feel at peace with myself and the decisions I've made throughout the day so I'm not doing head miles wondering whether I did or said the right thing earlier in the day. It just makes me feel like I am a better person than I was and I add value to the lives of those around me and when I have that mind set, I believe that I am just that, which benefits them too. I'm not walking in all cranky, tired, stressed or anxious and I'm not reacting to things emotionally negatively.
I think all that in itself is being a good role model for my son. I think if I can demonstrate to him that if you take the time to care for yourself first, only then can you help to serve others for the right reasons and when you can do that, I think that's where you can find all the nuggets like contentment, fulfillment, happiness etc.
Sorry for the navel and I hope it makes sense! haha.
I also use my trusty daily spreadsheet that I have colour formatted to let me know if I'm staying on track or not. The data is only half the benifit, the other half being a a daily opportunity to see if I am doing the things I need to be doing to ensure I am looking after myself. Red things need instant attention. Yellow things need to be monitored, green things need ot be maintained. I think sometimes it's easy to let these things slip when life starts getting overwhelming, but if you just check in each day you can identify an area that is slipping before it gets out of hand. You don't know what you don't know.
I think ultimately who you present yourself as all comes down to your relationship with yourself. Work on and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself, then the rest should all come naturally. The more content you are within yourself the less jealousy, hate, angst, anger etc you will feel towards others and i think that is conducive to a more harmonious environment which brings the bets out of all involved.
Great article full of sound advice! So good reading everything you have learnt / come to realise in fifteen months!
Personally I embrace the milestones, even if just between me & my hubby. Targets/milestones are a major motivational tool used in many arenas (work, fitness, sobriety etc) for good reason. They are psychologically extremely effective, and guess what ... you get a sweet and healthy hit of dopamine when you achieve them! I just make sure to remind myself that I’m ‘in recovery’, not ‘recovered’. Like you, I’m not bold or stupid enough to get complacent!
Yeah, I guess I think it's important to acknowledge the wins along the way but use it as proof that the system is working and not that the work is done. As in, "if I continue to live this way, I will continue to feel this way etc" rather than, "I'm glad I did that work and now it's over". I'm extremely wary of that!
The more we help to promote one another the more people will see that there is a community out there sharing their stories that could help the people who need it.
Thank you for sharing SoberStack and huge recognition for your 15 months, Sam! Beautiful, powerful reflections—they speak to the inner work and the outer, everyday actions and practices. I consider folks who identify as being recovery to be some of the most courageous, most honest people I know. I feel truly grateful to call them community. Celebrating you, and cheering you on.
Thanks so much, Dana. I was motivated a little by SoberStack with this one. I think it’s just a great idea to have a resource where someone can open an article and then have links to something more specific, relative to where they are at. The online, sober community are incredible, I value them a lot. Very grateful they were and are there when I need!
What passion are you pursing?
Becoming the best version of myself I can be so that I can be the role model and dad possible for my son. Pretty much dedicating any spare time and energy on that. That and running. I’m trying to build back up to more endurance type distances.
Nice. Mine is to have a meaningful career and set a great example for my girls because I don’t want them to end up in shit jobs. And I can’t help them with that unless I sort my career out first.
I like the way you used the word meaningful rather than successful or whatever.
My parents drummed into me that i need to get a qualification. Even if I don't use it, I need it as a back up. I never got one, and I think that had a lot to do with my sense of underachievement in my early 20's which I think had a lot to do with my low self esteem and substance use.
Not their fault in any way, it's sound advice and advice I wish I had taken more seriously. But at the time I interpreted this as "if you don't get a qualification you've failed".
Dad would also always say to me, "money makes the world go 'round, the more you have, the further you go", which I think speaks to the attitude of most people of his generation. So in terms of career choices, I always based them on financial outcomes. I never wanted to be a road worker, in fact, I scoffed at the idea initially because as an arrogant 19 year old I thought it was beneath me, it wasn't until i heard about the money I could make, particularly through overtime and living away allowance that I decided it was a good idea.
I was 19 years old and making well above the average Australian salary, doing somewhat meaningful work, and I was ashamed of myself because I didn't have a fucking qualification. How ridiculous is that?
Hopefully when Sonny is 18 I can say to him, go and spend 5-7 years doing whatever the fuck you want. Go and try some things. Find something you love and find a way to spend the rest of your life being paid to do it, because that's what I wish I had done/had the opportunity to do. Hopefully by then we are in a position to help him with a uni degree or whatever it might be he wants to do because I think it's fucking ridiculous to expect 16-18 year olds to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I think it's something like only 40% of Australians work in the field that they got qualifications in. That's a lot of wasted qualifications!
Success is an interesting term and it means different things to all of us but I love success being termed as living to your values. Society generally determines success in terms of money and awards/recognition.
Yeah, no way an 18 year old will know what they want to do, but they should know what they’re interested in.
My parents said the same thing about to qualifications.
I need meaning in life, not qualifications. But qualifications do give me more opportunities to find meaning.
Yeah i agree, that's why i would like to be able to provide him the opportunity to go out into the world and find what is meaningful to him and then come back home or whatever while he gets the qualification that helps him work in the field that he wants to.
Meaning is what provides intrinsic motivation too which helps achieve the qualifications. I would say from my clinical practice experience there are still more people in a job because it pays their bills than a job that gives them meaning/purpose.
Yeah, I think sometimes people are in too much of a rush to grow up and figure everything out at once and then get themselves stuck in a position where they have certain responsibilities that come at a certain cost. So people feel like they need to stay in their job because of those things. But in reality they're too afraid to live without those things they enjoy or they don't want the change bad enough.
I think the next best thing is to have a job that you don't hate or a job that although not your passion you can enjoy, in exchange for the financial freedom and time to pursue those meaningful things outside of work. It's not as good as doing something you love for work, but it's better than working big hours in a job you don't like. That's sort of where I am at and I'm happy enough with that for now.
What's your definition of a shit job Ben?
I'm now going to catch up and read the rest, you two had a great conversation in my absence haha.
One where I don’t get any meaning from
Childrens future has been an interesting topic of discussion on my treatment room. Parents worried that their children will get involved with drugs or that they won't have a good career. Society has a hierarchy of jobs, people tend to look down on check out operators, garbage truck drivers, cleaners etc but in reality we need people to do all these jobs. Everyone and every job is valued in society but it's the monetary value placed on them that makes some rank higher and others lower.
But like we've discussed, if you love that job, are passionate about it and it gives you purpose and meaning, who cares what the job actually is? People are far happier in work that gives them meaning than they are in a job who pays thousands or millions.
We can see in the trend of high depression rates in developed countries and low rates in developing countries. As a society, we are focusing on superficial things.
Having recently witness someone with billions of dollars, I got the impression that they are one of the saddest loneliest people in the world.
Yep, you're spot on. In the corporate world, the people who get paid the most are the people with the most responsibility and in turn in the most stressful roles.
Obviously it's more complex than this but to simplify it, the more you get paid the more likely you are to be trading your mental health/happiness for that money. But as a society we are so competitive and obsessed with status. My MIL always told my partner to go to uni, she didn't. Now whenever they're together and someone asks my partner what she does, she says I'm in the public service, I work for this department and the MIL chimes in with "she's this level" as though it's important.
MIL didn't go to uni herself and I think she has long been insecure about that, not sure where that comes from in her case, but clearly she's still insecure about that in regards to her children too. My parents, while not as extreme, were similar in the idea that getting that qualification was essential to success. It gives me hope that it's a generational attitude that can be phased out in time.
Don't get me wrong, I think qualifications are brilliant and should make navigating through life easier, if I had my time again i would have got one myself, but the idea that not having one, or not having a high-level job is going to cap someone's ability to succeed is a little ridiculous and it's dangerous to put that idea in the minds of young people because they will start to believe it and think they're not good enough should that not follow that route.
How are you developing the best version of yourself? What is your image of the best version of yourself? And what is the definition of best role model and Dad?
Good question! Gives me the opportunity to consider it properly and unpack it a little for myself. I might struggle to articulate it perfectly, so bare with me and I'll do my best.
I used to think "the best version of myself" is something we become. Like something we attain. Like a Uni degree or whatever. Like I have arrived here at this point and this is me forever. But life doesn't work that way. It's more like daily refresher courses that modify the curriculum relative to what's going on in your life. Like a preventative maintenance contract.
For me, it's about trying to make the best decision possible, as many times per day as possible. It's estimated we make 35,000-50,000 decisions each day. I don't think it's as simple as making the right or wrong decision each time and I don't think we can choose the best option each of those times either. But I think if we consciously try to make the best possible decision in as many of those instances as we can, it'll set us on our way.
More often than not, the best decision is not the easiest option. As someone who has struggled with drugs, alcohol and other addictive issues, I have had tendency in the past to take the easy option, which wasn't the best decision and only hindered me long term. For example, drinking when stressed instead of going for a walk, run, or catching up with a friend.
I think I am the best version of myself when I am serving the people who I care about the most. The problem I had with this in the past was that i was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was seeking validation in others. So I would do what would be considered the right thing to do, but when I didn't get the validation I was after, I would let it upset me and I would feel as though I wasn't valued. This is where I would slip into the woe-is-me mindset and let the negative thoughts take charge and send me down a spiral.
What I've learned over the last 15 months is that for me to genuinely feel proud of myself and my actions, I have to do them for the right reasons, and not because I am seeking something in return. Those reasons being that they are simply the right thing to do and because being able to bring happiness, relief or comfort to those I care about makes me feel like I add value to their lives and have purpose.
To get to that point where I am able to do that, I need to make sure I'm ok first. This is where it comes back to making good decisions. Everyday i wake up and follow the same routine because I know it works for me and sets me up. Most days I spend an hour alone with my son, until he has a turd and is ready to go back to bed. So from the moment i start the day I have a good idea of what matters the most in life. Then I do my stretching routine, this is what I have to do to be able to keep running each day which is probably one of the biggest levers I have to manage my mental health. It also makes me feel better throughout the day. I stop by the beach on the way to work and do breath work. It helps me empty my mind a little and kind of separates home me from work me. It's like I sit down as home me and stand up as work me. I try to run on the way home from work, because I hate going home and then going out again because my son gets excited when I get home and sad when I leave. It also gives me that time to rinse all the work stuff out of my head and transition back to home me before I get home. This way when I get home, I can have a quick shower, my head is in a good place and I'm in a position to present the best and most present version of myself as possible.
I say serving others and anyone in AA will say that Serving others is truly what life is about, but this time of an afternoon is hands down the most amazing part of the day for me. We are all at home, we're all excited to see each other, usually the most important tasks of the day are finished and it's just so nice to feel like nothing else is as important as this time right now and for that time to just be pure enjoyment. I've never in my life felt as present as when I do during that golden hour of an afternoon.
When i do all this, my mind is calmer and I am a much better listener. I don't panic and think about my response in a conversation while the other person is still talking then not fully listen to what they are saying. I feel at peace with myself and the decisions I've made throughout the day so I'm not doing head miles wondering whether I did or said the right thing earlier in the day. It just makes me feel like I am a better person than I was and I add value to the lives of those around me and when I have that mind set, I believe that I am just that, which benefits them too. I'm not walking in all cranky, tired, stressed or anxious and I'm not reacting to things emotionally negatively.
I think all that in itself is being a good role model for my son. I think if I can demonstrate to him that if you take the time to care for yourself first, only then can you help to serve others for the right reasons and when you can do that, I think that's where you can find all the nuggets like contentment, fulfillment, happiness etc.
Sorry for the navel and I hope it makes sense! haha.
Novel* also, all the above helps me maintain my sobriety and without my sobriety I have none of the above ♻️
I bloody knew I would leave something out.
I also use my trusty daily spreadsheet that I have colour formatted to let me know if I'm staying on track or not. The data is only half the benifit, the other half being a a daily opportunity to see if I am doing the things I need to be doing to ensure I am looking after myself. Red things need instant attention. Yellow things need to be monitored, green things need ot be maintained. I think sometimes it's easy to let these things slip when life starts getting overwhelming, but if you just check in each day you can identify an area that is slipping before it gets out of hand. You don't know what you don't know.
I think ultimately who you present yourself as all comes down to your relationship with yourself. Work on and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself, then the rest should all come naturally. The more content you are within yourself the less jealousy, hate, angst, anger etc you will feel towards others and i think that is conducive to a more harmonious environment which brings the bets out of all involved.
Great article full of sound advice! So good reading everything you have learnt / come to realise in fifteen months!
Personally I embrace the milestones, even if just between me & my hubby. Targets/milestones are a major motivational tool used in many arenas (work, fitness, sobriety etc) for good reason. They are psychologically extremely effective, and guess what ... you get a sweet and healthy hit of dopamine when you achieve them! I just make sure to remind myself that I’m ‘in recovery’, not ‘recovered’. Like you, I’m not bold or stupid enough to get complacent!
Yeah, I guess I think it's important to acknowledge the wins along the way but use it as proof that the system is working and not that the work is done. As in, "if I continue to live this way, I will continue to feel this way etc" rather than, "I'm glad I did that work and now it's over". I'm extremely wary of that!
Exactly!
Thank you so much for the shout out, Sam! Really appreciate your support!
Pleasure, Mate.
The more we help to promote one another the more people will see that there is a community out there sharing their stories that could help the people who need it.