Why it Took More Than 600 Days of Sobriety to Join AA

And some takeaways from my journey so far.

Alcoholics Anonymous is synonymous with sobriety all around the world, and for good reason. Over the almost 90 years since its inception in Akron, Ohio, it’s helped millions of people achieve and maintain sobriety.

But thanks to movies, television shows and general social assumptions, there is a stigma attached to it.

I first went to AA 12 or so years ago. I went to a Friday afternoon meeting in Broadbeach, Queensland, every week for about 16 weeks. I never got too into it. I would sit up at the back. Too scared to consider sharing my story. This, of course, had a lot more to do with me than it did AA or the people at this meeting. I was just young, confused, and unsure of what to make of it all.

I was at a party one Saturday night, doing my best to stay sober. People were starting to get annoyingly drunk, and I was struggling, I didn’t want to leave my partner there on her own, but I also didn’t want to be the reason why she had to leave prematurely. So, I pulled her aside, told her that I was ready to drink again, bought some beers and even ended up doing drugs that night. A little over 24 hours earlier, I was in a room full of people just like me, saying the serenity prayer, thinking I’d never drink again. Life comes at you fast…

When I got sober a little over 22 months ago, I was determined to do it on my own. I feared AA because of some of the language they used. Admit I was powerless over something? Like fucking hell. I can stop whenever I want. Apparently, I just didn’t want it badly enough yet.

I’ve always been a bit like that. I always felt a little left out and a little bit unseen. I realise it more now on reflection, but I’ve always had a little bit of a “fuck you all, I’ll do it on my own” kind of attitude. To this day, I still struggle to do things in any way, but my own.

I was scared off by the religious aspect too. I thought you had to believe in God to be in AA and that if you went there without believing in God in a traditional sense, it wouldn’t work for you anyway.

The movies and TV shows had me believe the members had this kind of fake, toxic positivity they were using to mask some kind of grimy underbelly. I thought AA was almost cult-like. I thought they would use their woo-woo to draw me in only to trap me and chain me in a basement like something out of one of the Saw movies.

Even though I had good friends in fellowships already, I still just couldn’t accept that something like this could ever possibly work for me. I could never believe in Jesus Christ. I was raised in middle-class Australia, I ain’t surrendering to shit! I’m on top of my shit and I will not be reaching out for help.

It was this exact mindset that led me to rock bottom in the first place, and here I was with well over a year of sobriety still struggling to let go of it.

The more sober I got though, the more I started to consider the idea of going to AA, maybe, one day… I even started to feel as though I would almost certainly end up in AA one day, but no time soon.

Last year, in late November, Early December, I started to struggle with cravings and thoughts of drinking worse than I had since early sobriety. I made no secret that since I we moved away from our home city to the coast 19 months ago, I’ve struggled to immerse myself into any kind of community. It’s fuckin’ hard to make friends when as a grown up, especially when you don’t like people or like doing things.

But there I was, sobriety was getting harder, not easier like it should have been. I had very little sense of community, and although there were literally rooms full of people exactly the fucking same as me, who are not just willing to take new people in, but encourage it, who can help me get my sobriety back on track, I still had reservations.

I was afraid of what these potential new friends of mine would think about me. Was my problem bad enough? Will they believe my story? Was my drinking a little druggy to be going to AA? Will I spontaneously combust when I walk in because I don’t believe in God? Among other things…

My biggest fear though, was what people outside of AA would think of me if they were to somehow find out I was going. Pretty fucked, eh? I think this remains a universal problem relevant to all things mental health and seeking support. Am I a fucking idiot for holding these fears? Yes. Does that make those fears and less real or unfounded? no.

After chatting with a few AA members in the Sobering Thoughts Community Support Group I finally mustered up the courage to go along to a local meeting. To my absolute shock, no one tried to get me to go to their church. No one invited me down to their basement. I didn’t see an ounce of fake positivity or people being awkwardly over-inviting.

Yes, the seats were roughly arranged in a circular formation. They even used the word god quite a bit. And yeah, when introducing yourself you do say “and I’m an alcoholic” because chances are, if you have an issue with the way, you drink and want to change that, maybe that’s exactly what you fucking are, but the thing is, that’s perfectly okay.

What I did find was a room full of people exactly like me. People who thought they didn’t fit in. People who at one point in time, thought they were the only person on the planet who had the problems with substances that they had. There are people in there with decades of sobriety thanks to AA who do not believe in God in a traditional sense and still have no idea exactly what their higher power is.

As an old guy named Ray with 60-odd years of sobriety under his belt said last night, “Is God real? I don’t know. It doesn’t fucking matter. Just keep comin’ ‘ere, doin’ what ya told, and you’ll be right.”

I’m a very analytical person. I think about way more than I speak about. I’m always trying to figure out how things work and why things are the way they are. The exact opposite kind of thinking that AA is about. I just can’t help myself, but I’m getting better.

What I’ve come to realise is, for me, at least, AA has nothing to do with drinking, drugs or abstinence. AA is a mental well-being program dressed up as a program of sobriety, and that is why it works. That is why I hope and believe it will work for me.

When I got sober, my mental health was at an all-time low. I never said I wanted to be sober forever, just long enough to sort my head out. Now that I have as much sobriety under my belt, I know that my life is better without drugs and alcohol and I have no intention of drinking or using drugs ever again, but I’m not naive to the fact that there will always be a drink waiting for me if I want it.

My drinking and drug use got worse as my mental health diminished. Obviously, the substance abuse added to the vortex that was sucking me downward, but it’s my belief that almost all addiction is a byproduct of trauma, ill mental health, and poor coping mechanisms and that is what the AA program provides people, in a lot of cases without them even realising it.

I’m not a sales rep for AA. It doesn’t work like that. No one will ever push you in, but the door is always open. For transparency, I’ve been going to AA for about eight weeks now. I do a combination of online and face-to-face meeting. I have just this week started with a sponsor and we’re going to have a crack at the steps.

What I can say with certainty is that since I have been spending more time with sober people in a welcoming environment that encourages, supports, and applauds openness, compassion, empathy and acceptance, my mental health has improved drastically.

My mind is slowing down. I am for less reactive. I am more patient and less irritable. For the first time in my life, I have a gap between a stimulus and a response. I can stop and consider what I’ve just heard before responding instead of panicking and just blurting out the first words that come to my mind.

It’s not just me either, I see people in the rooms of AA who seem to have exactly what I want. they are calm, calculated and seemingly at peace and for me to get what they have, I just have to do what they do.

You could debate how it works until the cows come home, but why would you? You’re not concerned with the complex mechanics behind the way your kitchen fridge functions, you just want it to keep your shit cold. You just want it to work.

I feel like this is the same deal. It’s not my business how or why it works, and I think the more I try it figure that out the less effective it will be.

They say that AA is a simple program for complicated people and in my case i feel like that’s pretty apt. I feel like an idiot for waiting as long as I did to go to a meeting, but in the same breath I’m grateful that I found it when I did.

I’m not trying to sell AA to anyone. I understand the reluctance. But i do feel it’s my duty to share my experience so far in case someone happens to stumble across this little blog here and it gives them the nudge they need to finally make a positive change that could change the trajectory of their life and the people around them.

Don’t do what I did and wait until you almost compromised your sobriety to at least give it a crack. You don’t have to believe in god. You won’t get trapped. You might hear some shit that doesn’t make sense to you, and it doesn’t have to. You almost certainly will hear things that will change your whole life for the better.

If you are struggling with addiction of any kind, please consider an AA style program. They exist for alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, sex addicts and whatever else. They don’t cost you anything but your time and they fucking work. The people who care about you deserve it.

If you don’t like it, just don’t go again. it’s not rocket surgery.

Cheers Wankers.

X.

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