Week 14

Nervous Nineties

Michael Slater scored 14 test centuries for Australia in just 74 test matches, or 131 innings. An incredible feet for an opening batsmen playing in era where the likes of Curtly Ambrose, Courtney Walsh and Wasim Akram were steaming in at him with a brand new pill from the other end. I was only a child, but I always admired the way “Slats” went about his batting. He was aggressive. Tried to get on top of the opposition bowlers early, send them back into their shell and control the game from the outset. His average wasn’t as good as some of the other Aussie sticks at the time, but often he would risk his own wicket in a bid to get his team off to a good start. He wanted to set the tone. Soften the new ball and sap the energy from the oppositions bowlers to make life easier for the guys coming in after him. I don’t think Slats gets enough credit for the work that he did. In my opinion, Slats is an all time great and was vital to the success of Mark Taylor and Steve Waugh’s Australian Test Match sides.

What some don’t know though is that Slats has one of the worst conversion rates in the history of cricket when it comes to converting scores in the 90’s into hundreds. He was out in the 90’s nine times for 14 centuries. The second most times in test cricket history to get out in the 90’s. The only bloke with more is Sachin Tendulkar, who scored 51 test hundreds from 200 test matches, or 329 innings. Only 61% of the time he was able to convert a great start into a significant personal milestone.

I don’t exactly know why this happened more to Slats than most others. It could have been a dogged stubbornness where he refused to alter the way he was playing just to get to his personal milestone, why should he? Maybe he just wanted to maintain the trajectory he had set for the team. The most popular theory though, which I probably agree with, was The Nervous Nineties…

I fuckin’ love cricket… Test Match cricket. One thing I’ve always struggled to figure out though is why so many blokes get out in the 90’s. I mean, the answer is obvious… but why? Cricket is a team sport. Sure, it’s a combination of individual performances combined with 6team efforts, but how and why does going from 89 to 90 not out change the way an in form batter approaches his craft? Why can’t they just keep doing what they have been doing? It’s clearly working…

Clearly, to me at least, it’s nerves. It’s mental.

So why all the cricket talk? Who gives a shit?

As much as I’d love to be an Australian Cricketer, to have a Baggy Green of my own, I don’t wanna be Michael Slater.

I’m currently 98 days sober, and I’m starting to understand why the most elite batters in the world change their approach when nearing a milestone. For some reason, I have made going 100 days sober up to be something bigger than it is in my head. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that the 100 days was getting closer and closer. Back then, I was pumped. I was doing well. I was determined to not just get to 100 days but smash past it and keep charging past it. I still am determined. I’m going to do it. There has been a noticeable mental shift though this week. A mild underlying of nervousness and anxiety. Like, what if I don’t make the 100 days? Everything I have done so far will mean nothing! Obviously that’s stupid, but this is the kind of shit that starts running through your head when you’ve built something up in your head to be bigger than it really is.

A mate (who owns a pub) asked me what I’m going to do to celebrate reaching 100 days sober. I told him by smashing schooners at his pub… I was joking but it cued me to think about the question properly. The answer is, nothing different. What I am doing seems to be working. It may not be perfect. It may even be pretty fuckin’ hard some times. Up until right now though, it’s working. I’m way too fuckin’ scared to change a single thing. For me, I think I just need to be a little more conscious of the things that I do that make it easier for me and try to do more of that shit. Too fuckin’ easy, right? Yeah, nah.

I was talking with another friend the other day who has been sober for over two years now. He was telling me how he had noticed a distinct mental shift in the way he viewed almost all things in the world. Kinda like he’d levelled up from struggling to not drink to being excited for the opportunities a life of sobriety could offer.

I don’t know if this conversation planted an idea in my head that then made me subconsciously fabricate a similar feeling. I’m well aware that as humans we can fabricate things in our own heads that are convenient to us. Maybe there’s some science behind it that I am not familiar with. Not a scientist. I have ADHD, I don’t read shit.

Whatever the case, I’m fuckin’ happy that I had this conversation. Maybe it was already happening and I just hadn’t quite noticed it yet? Either way, I’m noticing it now.

I’ve started work at my new role down here on the NSW South Coast, and things, as expected, are going fine. The house is a fuckin’ shit fight for the moment but all my shit is in it. My old house is empty and tenants moved in today. This is all great shit. But it’s not got anything to do with my slight mental shift. This was possibly always going to happen due to some scientific reason I couldn’t arsed to research. On this occasion though, I’m going with the conversation planting a mental seed.

It may sound wanky, I don’t really give a shit, but I feel like I might be transitioning from someone who isn’t drinking, to possibly/hopefully someone who just doesn’t drink.

In past forays into sobriety I have often felt terrified to tell people that I’m not drinking at the moment. What will they think of me? Being in a permanent state of mild paranoia makes me think, “oh fuck, they’re going to think I have a drinking problem”, “Loser can’t handle his piss”, or the all time classic “what a weak cunt!”.

Rightly or wrongly, I’ve found it much easier for now to just prolong invitations for catch ups. It’s not a long term plan and I’ll figure that out later. But it’s been easier to say “yeah sweet, we’ll catch up” then just not following through on it and blame being too busy moving house etc.

I’ll face up to it one day, and I think I have a plan. The longer I go without a drink or substance though, the more confident I am of having those conversations with people.

“If people are critical of you for not drinking then they’re not people you want to spend time with anyway.”

Sure, but when you spend so much of your life building friendships with people around a table drinking beers, what the fuck else are you going to do? You need to find alternatives, preferably healthy alternatives. I also don’t want to boycott my friends because I have stopped drinking because I am not on top of my own shit. That’s my fault and my problem and although sometimes friends are arseholes, they’re still your friends. Being two hours away from all that is going to make that aspect a lot easier. I’ll be too busy “unpacking my house” for five years if I have to be.

That’s not what this is about though, this is about improving my life. My life without any friends is not an improvement. I don’t need heaps, but I can’t hide away forever. I need to start doing things other than working, gym and running. I can’t limit so many aspects of my life due to the fear of slipping up and ending up with liver poisoning, no money and a weeks worth of blood boogers. It’s time for me to start reintegrating into society and gradually get back to doing all the things I used to do, without drinking.

I feel like I am ready. I have a quiet confidence. I am very, very cautious not to get over excited and think I am in the clear. This is something that I will need to work at for the rest of my life, if it is what I want. At the moment, I think it is what I want. And I feel like I can do it. I know I can. I dunno if it’s because of this 90 days bullshit, because I have finally made the move I have been dreading for so long and it wasn’t a fraction as painful as I’d anticipated. I don’t really give a shit.

I genuinely feel as though my life is now so much better for the decisions I have made and the work I have put in. I’m starting to feel that excitement of endless possibilities whilst ever I’m sober. It’s fucking hard. Having to confront my thoughts, feelings, emotions, whatever, that I have been avoiding for so long. One thing I am finding though is that all this shit that I am scared of, isn’t all that fuckin’ scary when it comes time to deal with it. You just kinda.. do it. You have to. What’s the alternative? That’s been a bit of a theme for me this last week. What’s the alternative? Is it what you want for yourself? If it isn’t, then there’s really no decision to make… For the first time in over three months, I am starting to feel like I’m at the start of a very long corner that I am starting to turn. It feels like the shit my mind has put me through over this period might have been worth it after all. I’m still a little hesitant to say it, but I’m starting to be excited about the future. I’m not dreading it. I’m not scared that I’m going to fuck it all up by drinking again. Whilst fully aware of the challenges ahead, I feel like I’m finally starting to get a bit of momentum. Good days are rolling into good days. Who knows, maybe soon I’ll even have a good fuckin’ week! Imagine!

None of this happens though unless I do what I touched on at the start. Treat every day the same, milestone or not. Play each ball on its merit, so to speak.

What I hope more so than anything is that there’s someone who reads this and takes it motivates them to stick to the course. Trust the Process, shout out Joel Embiid. I’ve found you just have to trust that you are doing the right thing. There have been so many days where I have thought, “why the fuck am I doing this shit to myself for?”. Incrimental6y I’m figuring out the answer. Things are just better. Everything. Physical health, sleep hygiene, routine.

I used to work with a nutritionist who would tell me “big rocks first”. Get the majority of the important shit under control, one rock at time and often you’ll find the filler looks after it’s self. It still resonates with me and it’s still relevant. Keep it simple, do the basic shit. Do it each day, build a routine around it.

True growth and change comes from gradual behavioral change, consistently, over time. Make it a habit, set and forget. Do it for the right reasons. Don’t focus on the end goal. Focus on today. Focus on right now. If you think about it, that’s all we truly have. The past is gone, the only way you can influence the future is through your actions… right, fuckin’ now.

Elephant burgers, kids. Vegan ones. One, small, good decision at a time and befoire you know it you’ve eaten a fuckin’ elephant!

I won’t be caught behind square slashing at a wide one on 98 not out. I’ll be sticking to what’s worked for me up until now. On Thursday I’ll raising the bat. Kissing the helmet… The cricket helmet you sick fucks… A quick, modest acknowledgement of what’s been achieved then facing up to the next ball.

Thanks for stopping by guys. be nice to each other this week. Let’s stretch it’s ears…

Cheers Wankers…