Week 13

91 Days...

91 days completely sober…

It was cool yesterday to hit 90 days. I don’t know why it felt more significant than 80. It’s not 100 days, but for some reason, I was pretty fuckin’ chuffed with making 90 days. Maybe it’s because 90 days is almost three months, or maybe I’m excited at the idea of 100 days. Ultimately, none of it really matters. This is some real one day at a time type shit, which i do believe and buy into. Whatever the case, I’m not going to ignore feeling good about something positive that I have achieved. Self pride is not a feeling I am accustomed to.

As for the whole week, it’s been up and down.

Anyone who’s read a book on psychology is probably familiar with the concept of thoughts being only that, thoughts. The idea is that you can not control your thoughts. I’ve mentioned this before but the best analogy I have ever heard is that your thoughts are like a radio station. You have no control over the songs that get played. They just come all day, one after the other. The songs that will get your attention are the songs that you love, and the songs that you hate. The only thing you can control is the way you react to the song. The same applies to thoughts.

I’ve found this a really handy tool over the years. It’s difficult to remain conscious of it all the time. It’s difficult to not allow certain negative thoughts to grab too much of your attention. Like most things though, the more you do it, the better you get at it, the easier it becomes. The goal is to get to a point where you can easily dismiss most or all of the negative thoughts you have.

This will surprise absolutely no one, but the better mental health I am in, the easier I find it to do this. Unfortunately, often the inverse applies.

In recent weeks I’ve been feeling really good about certain aspect off where I am at. The temptation to drink seems to be waning. My cognitive function is improving. All things associated with routine are better. Sleep, exercise habits, diet… kinda. So generally, yeah, things are on the right trajectory.

Just this last week though, I’ve been really fucking struggling to let certain thoughts through to the keeper. I just can’t seem to let them be. They’re all around my impending move to the coast and starting my new role.

In this instance, I think it’s just a historically anxious bloke getting real cold feet before a significant life change. I predicted it would happen. Like I was sitting there waiting for a bus. Then when the prick turned up he made sure to smash through the puddle next to the bus stop and smash me with water. Maybe I thought myself into this predicament. I was worried about myself being worried. Haha, fuckin’ hell, man.

But the eternal worrier in me makes me wonder, what if it’s not cold feet?

It’s made me question the concept as a whole. If the same negative or unwanted thought is recurring and your struggling to let it go, what the fuck does that mean? Does it mean there is merit in the thought? Or does it mean that it’s not a thought at all and might actually be the way you feel towards something? How do we distinguish between something that is purely a thought and something that is genuinely how you feel about something. What’s the metric, how many times do you need to have the same thought until you’re convinced that there might be something in it?

Maybe, this is happening because I spent so much money and energy doing everything I could to avoid dealing with my emotions? Drown them in beer. Blow them away with coke. Seemed plausible at the time. It’s not…

Sadly, this paragraph isn’t filled with answers, or even what I perceive to be potential answers. I have no fuckin’ idea. Sorry. But it leads into this…

I am fucking petrified…

I won’t go into the details because I feel like everyone is sick of the privileged wanker who gets to move to the coast and wants to bitch and moan about it, like who the fuck is gunna miss frost?

To a degree though, I need to practice what I preach. I’be been the guy to tell people that no matter what they are feeling, their feeling are important and valid. In fact, they’re necessary. The more different feeling you experience the better, it means ya fuckin’ melon’s working. I think in this case, my brain is cautioning me not to step outside of my comfort zone. I fuckin’ love it in here, deep inside my comfort zone. For someone who’s forever anxious, it’s really fuckin’ hard to step outside of it. As I’ve stated before though, nothing worth having comes from within your comfort zone. You don’t grow in your comfort zone. The great job you have, you had a first day once. Your loving partner, you were once terrified to ask them out. The house you were scared to make an offer on but then turned into a home. All, this, shit! All the good shit. It exists outside your comfort zone, and its terrifying.

I guess this has been something of a theme for me since the last time I drank. People make these claims all the time. “I’m not drinking again!”. Usually, on a Sunday morning, or New Years Day. I’ve never made that claim though, mostly to protect myself from failure, so I can say “well I never said I wouldn’t”. I need the safety of the get out clause. I am determined though, maybe more so than ever before and I feel like the determination is growing. I want to prove to people that I’m not full of shit. So I’ve been trying to do positive things instead of drinking. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone and whaddaya fuckin’ know? The results of doing so have been hugely beneficial.

Thing’s like writing these… whatever the fuck they are. They have helped me so much. I often find when writing stuff like this I begin to answer my own questions. Figuring things out as I go. Solving my own problems.

When I was doing them exclusively on twitter, I was getting messages from people saying they were helping them too. Encouraging me to keep going , saying they look forward to it each week.

Things like going to Running 4 Resilience (check ‘em out on here) and actually making an attempt to speak to people who weren’t already my friends. Talking to Benny (Ben Alexander on here, also check him out) and Breeny (R4R on here) about this exact shit right here.

Hanging out for trivia after R4R, IN A PUB, not drinking, with people I don’t know that well, enjoying myself!? What, The, Fuck?

I think ultimately, this is why I’m terrified. I’ve worked really hard to pad myself. In an effort to make all of this stuff easy, and now I’m voluntarily moving myself away. I think that’s what I’m scared of. Leaving what is now a bit of a comfort zone, that only a few weeks ago was outside my comfort zone. How’s the fuckin’ irony?

Now though, I have to do it all again, and it’s fuckin’ hard.

I’ll do it though. I have to. This shit is too important to me now. It’s about that trajectory. Things, in general, are better than they were, and it’s because of that hard work that hard work that they are.

It’s going to be hard, but nowhere near as hard as the alternative.

By Sunday, I will be completely moved. By Monday I’ll be at work in my new role. By Tuesday I’m gunna be stretching it’s fuckin’ ears.

But, I’ll see ya’s soon.

Thanks for stopping by.

Cheers, Wankers.

X