Setting Goals to Get Over my Fear of Failure
A different approach to achieving goals
Unless you’re still asleep from your New Years’ Eve celebrations, you’d have seen a lot of goal-setting happening online. New year, New me! I’ve always been reluctant to set goals at this time of year, particularly new years resolutions. But maybe it’s time to jump on the bandwagon.
Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is an in-built self-preservation measure we use to protect ourselves from disappointment.
For a long time, I have thought setting goals at the start of the year is stupid. Why set them just because the date changed? A lot like how R U OK Day is technically one day of the year, but in reality, it’s every day of the year. For that reason, I’ve never really taken the opportunity that is a new year to set any goals.
The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe there’s a different reason I have never publicly set any goals at the start of a year. I’ve been reluctant to set goals in the past because I am afraid of committing to them. I am afraid I won’t have the discipline to do the required work. Mostly though, I didn’t want to set myself a goal that I wasn’t going to hit and then beat myself up over it.
It’s a self-preservation measure that I think a lot of us have. We fear failure because we’ve been conditioned to believe failure is bad. When I was a kid, if I did poorly at school, I would get in trouble. My parents aren’t assholes, it’s a generational thing. We associate failure with bad. As a result, we are terrified of failure. We think that if we fail in front of others, as a person, we will be seen as a failure. Our self-esteem drops, and mental health issues creep in.
The only surefire way to avoid failure is to never try and I think that’s the reason why I never set goals at the start of a year. I felt shit enough about myself already. The last thing I needed was another failure for me to over-analyse and beat myself up over. So fuck it, no goals, woohoo!
The problem is, we need to fail to learn. Growth comes from failure. I’d argue that some of the most significant learning curves we ever have are relative to the size of the failure associated. One very valuable lesson I have learned over the years is to learn from other’s mistakes. Be observant. When someone does something you’re opposed to or think is wrong, take a mental note. Try to learn from others’ mistakes so you don’t have to make them yourself. As good as this advice is, it won’t teach you all the lessons you need to be taught.
These days when a kid performs poorly at school, their deficiencies are identified and then nurtured in a bid to get that kid up to the same standard as everyone else. So hopefully the next generation of young adults are less afraid of failure than we are. We look at failure objectively. Identify why it happened and put measures in place to prevent it from happening again.
I work in construction. Like a lot of large construction companies, we have a “Zero Harm” policy. The ethos is that everyone goes home from work in the same condition they came to work in. The goal is unachievable, while ever people work outdoors, with machinery and tools, people will get hurt. But the harder we work towards no one getting harmed, the less likely we are to harm people. When someone does get hurt (a failure) a memo is sent to the whole company. Every crew in the country will read the “red alert” at their next toolbox talk. The red alert will state what happened, how it happened, why it happened and what changes have been implemented to prevent the failure from happening again. From one failure, thousands of people across the country are allowed to learn from and prevent the future re-occurrence of the same failure. In this instance, we all must learn from failure because people’s lives are at stake. But what about environments that aren’t so dangerous? How can we make people feel safe to fail?
A lot of companies are starting to embrace a “Safe-to-Fail”. This doesn’t mean you should be careless or irresponsible. But a safe-to-fail approach gives people the confidence to try things, to explore different avenues a little further than they normally would, and to take a small risk that could pay off. For me, this is a win/win. You take the risk and it pays off, great. You’ve learned a better/more efficient/cheaper way of doing things. If it doesn’t pay off, great. You’ve learned that it doesn’t work and you don’t need to waste time and energy on it again.
After my first Christmas holidays in 18 years that didn’t involve days of binge drinking and treating my body like a garbage truck, I can understand why people take advantage of this time of year to set new goals. I realised normal people use this time to unwind, refresh, and start the year feeling good. Here I was thinking everyone lobbed up to day one of work feeling like they’re recovering from an autopsy. Now that I am feeling good at the start of a year, I am looking forward to the year ahead and thought I better jump on the bandwagon and set out some goals to make sure I stay on track for what will hopefully be my first full year of sobriety.
A Different Approach to Setting Goals
In this week’s Sobering Thoughts, I spoke about how a process or systems-based approach has proven to be a better approach for me in terms of achieving goals. You can click the link to read it, but essentially, the idea is you set your goal, and then work backwards to today. consider the key milestones you will need to hit along the way, then break it down into daily chunks. What do you have to do each day to achieve your goal by the end of the month, quarter, year, or whatever?
It makes the goal seem more achievable, less daunting and overwhelming. It’s a framework that outlines a set path from where you are to your goal. When you take the time to set out the framework properly, you know what you need to do today, and that’s all you need to focus on. You can focus all of your mental energy on what you need to do that day. You don’t need to pay any mind to the main goal. It doesn’t scare you.
So, with a trendy new approach in my back pocket, I’m going to have a crack at setting myself some new year goals!
Daily Habits
Irrelevant to my long-term or big goals, my focus will remain on my non-negotiable positive daily habits. Through a bit of trial and error, I have identified a few things that I can do every day to set myself up for a good day. The better prepared I am for the day, the easier it will be to do whatever it is that gets me closer to my long-term goal.
These are my foundations for building long-term goals on top of.
(each heading will be a link to an article stating the benefits of each for anyone interested)
Waking up early makes me feel good. I feel like I’m in front and prevents me from feeling rushed. Feeling rushed is stressful. Stress is fuck. In every way. I target 4 am but I’m happy with anything earlier than 5 am. I’m going well with this at the moment and hopefully, I can carry it through the year.
This is a new one for me. I’ve been doing it for maybe two weeks. 10 minutes as soon as I wake up. Sitting in the dark, eyes closed, focusing on my breath. I’m not trying to reach the fourth dimension, summon spirits or feel the earth touch my heart via the asshole. This is just about starting the day with as empty a mind as possible and setting my mental pace for the day. I feel more ready for whatever the day throws at me when I do it. So far, I’m a big fan.
Exercise is an obvious one. The benefits are widely known. I find exercising first thing in the morning works better for me. It gets the endorphins racing around in my head nice and early. I feel good. I feel like I’m one step ahead of everyone else. If I get it done first thing in the morning then I don’t have the opportunity to talk myself out of it during the day. Knowing that I’ve done my exercise for the day means I don’t have to worry about it again until tomorrow. Another thing is out of my mind. It also frees up afternoon time to spend with my family.
Get to Work on Time or Earlier
No link for this one because you don’t need a link to tell you the benefits of getting to work early or at least on time. Getting to work early prevents you from getting snowed under. It helps you stay in front and gives you a better chance of being snowed under when your boss starts feeding you shit sammiches. When I get to work earlier, I’m more efficient/productive and I have less bullshit work stress bouncing around in my head when I get home.
No shit, Sam. The key word is being present. I want to spend the first home from work this year with my son. That doesn’t mean laying on the lounge doom scrolling on my phone with ABC Kids on the TV. It means putting my phone on do-not-disturb when I park my car in the driveway and dedicating the next hour solely to doing something with my son. It gives my partner relief from looking after him all day, and it’s a good time of day for us to bond. It’s just before we both get tired and grumpy. The bond I have with him as an adult will be affected by my actions today.
I used to be fat. I’m damaged by that. I don’t want to be fat again. It’s bad for my physical and mental health. each of the three fucking times my weight has ballooned, it’s been a perfect reflection of where my mental health was at the time. health is holistic. Knowing I’m in a slight deficit makes me feel like I’m not a piece of shit with no control over what I eat and being in just a slight deficit tells me I have enough energy for whatever I need to do tomorrow. I also sleep better.
Again, no shit, Sam. Going to bed early means I get more sleep. It makes getting up early easier which gives me more time to do the things I want to do before work. All of the above happens easier and better when I get to bed early. Currently working on reducing screen time and food intake in the 2-3 hours before bed to improve sleep quality.
I know that these aren’t goals, but if I’m not getting these things right, there is no point in me having any goals at all. These are the things I need to Think of it as keeping up to date with your car services. You’re not going to be confident going on that end-of-year trip (long-term goal) if you’ve been neglecting the maintenance of your car throughout the year.
Metric-Based Goals my Daily Habits Should Help Me Achieve
Sleep
In 2022 I averaged 6.49 hours of sleep. 4.28 of light, 1.26 of deep, 0.54 REM and 38 minutes awake.
in 2023 I want to average 7 at least hours of total sleep, 1.5 of deep, 1.5 of REM and less than 30 minutes awake.
Resting Heart Rate
My resting HR average for 2022 was 50 bpm. The average for December was 43 BPM.
I want to get my average below 40 bpm in 2023.
Fitness Age
I don’t know how Garmin works this out, but I am currently 34 years old with a fitness age of 29.5.
Garmin says I can get to a fitness age of 28, so that’s what I want to get it down to in 2023.
My Goals for 2023
Apart from staying sober and dialling the above daily habits, I guess I need some other goals to keep me accountable and make sure that I am actively working on improving myself in some way. So, here they are, I guess.
Marathon PB
I was determined to run my marathon PB at the Canberra Marathon in April of last year. I was running well. I’d run my 5 k and 10 k PB at the start of the year. I caught Covid six weeks before the marathon and it fucked me. I ended up running a 3:42, somehow. My Dad’s marathon PB is 3:32. So is mine. When I ran mine I spent 3:27 running and 5 minutes pooing. So technically it took me less time than him to cover the distance, but I know that it doesn’t count. So, this April I want to run a sub 3:25 marathon at the Canberra Marathon.
I want to do it though without running any more than 60 k in a week. My morning routine and gym work are too important for me to compromise. So, I’m going to try to do it by going for a short run after gym each day and going for a long run on a weekend day. I know I can cover the marathon distance. I’ll just have to make sure I run some quicker runs in training. I’m quietly confident about this one.
100 K Run
I have just now registered for the Sri Chinmoy Canberra Trail 100 in September. I’ve wanted to do a 100 k run for some time now. But I’m fucking terrified that I won’t be able to do it. But if I can’t do it, who gives a shit? In the past, I would have, and that’s what’s stopped me from trying. But I can’t do that shit anymore, I can’t keep letting fear get in the way of me and my goals. There’s only one way to find out if I can do it.
After Canberra Marathon, I will reassess where I am at with my running and come up with a plan. I ran a 60k run in November for Movember. I’m running The Canberra Marathon in April. I think I’ll be in a good position after the marathon to build up to it. I just need to stick to my routine and maybe swap out some gym training for some running training. I’m quietly confident about this one. No pace goal. I’ll walk the prick to finish it if I have to.
Be in a Position to Leave my Job
Relax, mum. I didn’t say I’m going to leave my job. But by the end of the year, I would love to be in a position where I could comfortably leave my job. I’m not saying that I would, or want to, it would just be nice to be in that position.
I quite like my job. I’m grateful to have a job that I enjoy. I just don’t love it. I’m not passionate about it. I think I have more to offer the world than supervising the operations of a road resurfacing crew. I want to help people. I want to have a positive impact on people’s lives.
I don’t want to be rich. I don’t care about money, I just need enough of it, no more. I don’t want to not work. Anyone who knows me would know that. I have ADHD, I need to work. I need to be busy. I know what I’m capable of when I have too much spare time and I don’t want to revisit that part of my life. But now that I am a dad, I would love to have a little more flexibility around when I do and don’t work.
I am fortunate that I have a few options to generate alternate streams of income. The main one is the unit we have downstairs that we rent out through Airbnb. I’m hoping that the work
and I have been putting into will slowly start to generate some income. If you haven't already, make sure you check out and subscribe to the weekly email. I may even be able to up my paid subscriber count on this here blog!It starts with the above-mentioned things, but there are some other options as well. I’m still hoping the NDIS start to cover ADHD. If and when they do I will investigate it further.
This is probably going to be the most challenging of all my goals. To even get close I’m going to have to be vigilant with my routine. I’m going to have to plan my days perfectly to allow myself enough time to write my blogs, and do any TMH stuff and Airbnb changeovers. There will be times when I won’t be able to do everything I want to, and I will have to choose between two things that I consider important to my process, but again, nothing worth having comes without compromise.
One thing I do know is that if I don’t set this potentially unrealistic goal, I’m not chance of achieving it if I don’t believe I can. So I have to write it down. I have to put myself in the best position possible to achieve it. Nothing holds us back from achieving the things we want to achieve more than ourselves.
Summary
Big goals are cool. I’ll be a little bit upset if I don’t hit my big goals this year, but not devastated. My focus will be on daily, incremental improvement and trusting that I will get to where I need to be. That is what I have the most control over. That is what will have the biggest impact over time. Slow progress is progress. It’s easy and sustainable. I only need to make a minuscule improvement on yesterday.
Cheers Wankers.
X.
Click here to read my other work. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @sbrngthghts
If anyone is struggling in any way, make someone aware of it. Speak to a friend, family, loved one, stranger, postman, uber eats driver, or me, just talk to someone.
Lifeline Ph: 13 11 14
Alcoholics Anonymous Ph: 1300 222 222
NSW Mental Health Line Ph: 1800 011 511
Suicide Call Back Service Ph: 1300 659 467
Mensline Australia Ph: 1300 78 99 78
Kids Helpline Ph: 1800 55 1800