RELEASE FROM FEAR
June 20
The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 61
Most of my decisions were based on fear. Alcohol made life easier to face, but the time came when alcohol was no longer an alternative to fear. One of the greatest gifts in A.A. for me has been the courage to take action, which I can do with God's help. After five years of sobriety I had to deal with a heavy dose of fear. God put the people in my life to help me do that and, through my working the Twelve Steps, I am becoming the whole person I wish to be and, for that, I am deeply grateful.
All my life, almost all my actions have been motivated by fear: fear of what others think of me, fear of people finding out who I truly am, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of being exposed as a fraud, fear of being alone, fear of missing out, fear of responsibility, and fear of letting people down, just to name a few.
We have the ability to fear people, places and things because we need it. Fear is natural. It keeps us safe.
My problem is that my fear has often been unfounded and ungrounded. I’d be paranoid and anxious that something incredibly unlikely would or could happen. My fears, for the most part, were completely irrational.
If I wasn’t irrational about my fears, I was wrong-sized about them. The level of fear I would feel wouldn’t be relative to the level of the apparent threat. It's as though the mechanism that regulated the level of fear I felt was completely broken. If I was scared, I was scared fucking shitless and I was scared all the time.
In a lot of ways, when I came into this program I was as emotionally and spiritually mature as I was when I started drinking at the age of 13. I was, and at times still am, a scared little boy.
Drugs and alcohol took that fear away, albeit temporarily…
Momentarily I would finally feel like I had nothing to worry about. It was bliss.
Eventually, though, drugs and alcohol only made the fear worse. When I was sober, it was as though the fear would continue building in the background while I temporarily numbed myself from it, only for it to hit me twice as hard once I had sobered up.
My program of recovery, though, has taught me to be right-sized about my fears. It has taught me to regulate my fear according to the threat level I’m perceiving. I’m experiencing less unfounded and ungrounded fear. I’ve learned to worry more about what I can control and less about what I can’t.
Ultimately, surrendering the desire to control outcomes of things that are beyond my control has been the catalyst for my overcoming my fears. My fears were all based on control and the lack of control I had.
What I’ve learned is that things happen, good and bad, irrelevant of what I do. I’m not that important. I don’t have that much influence on what happens and that in itself is liberating.
I need to ask myself, “Do I need to worry about this?”. Usually, the answer is no. If yes, I ask myself, “Do I need to worry about this right now?”. Usually, the answer to that is no, as well. On the rare occasion the answer is yes to both, well then and only then do we worry about it, and usually we have the tools at our disposal to sort it out…
Cheers Wankers.
X.
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I gotta write about my remaining fears more. Talked about one last weekend with my wife. End result, an epic week and realised I was being ridiculous
“Ultimately, surrendering the desire to control outcomes of things that are beyond my control has been the catalyst for my overcoming my fears. My fears were all based on control and the lack of control I had.”
This. 💯