Jealousy- The Rebuild Week 7

How Admiration Manifests in the Insecure

I think there is a bit of a generalising, judgemental arsehole in all of us. Well, at least I hope there is because otherwise, I’m just a generalising, judgemental arsehole on my own.

I don’t think it’s our fault. However, I think how we are raised and what we are exposed to as children shapes who we become. Babies aren’t born racist or discriminatory to any particular demographic. To a massive degree, we are a product of our environment.

As we get older, though, other influences start to change that environment. Social groups, community groups, among others. We surround ourselves with like-minded people to give ourselves that sense of community and belonging.

People who join bikie gangs or street gangs often refer to their groups as brotherhoods or as a family. Often these people come from underprivileged backgrounds, broken homes and lower socioeconomic areas. In many ways, outlaw bikie gangs are the same as a church or running groups. At their core, they are just groups of like-minded people looking to be a part of something bigger than themselves.

For years I was susceptible to falling into the trap of judging these kinds of people. I would generalise and put them all into the same category. All bikes are drug-pedalling criminals. All religious groups are elitist arseholes who believe they are superior to others. Of course, none of this is true, but it was a lot easier to tar them all with the same brush than it was to accept that just because they were different to me didn’t mean they were bad people or what they were doing was wrong.

For years now, I’ve tried to view the world through a more empathetic lens. Instead of glazing over things and making assumptions, I’ve tried to ask myself another couple of questions. Why would someone join a gang or a church? Because they crave a sense of community and belonging. Why do they crave that? Perhaps they were void of those things during their childhood. Why were they void of these things throughout their childhood? A single parent might have raised them, they may have been raised in a house where drug and alcohol abuse was prevalent, or they may have had an abusive parent to parents who were too busy working to keep food on the table to give them the love and attention they need.

By doing this, I arrived at a point where I often sympathised with convicted criminals and others who would do things I didn’t necessarily agree with. I found that there is almost always far more to any and every story than we are privileged to know. I think it’s essential that we learn not to judge things at face value and look a little deeper into things before passing judgement.

Since getting sober and doing a fair whack of internal work over the last almost 14 months, I’ve started to question what it was that caused me to have these sweeping, generalising beliefs or why when I was younger, I would decide that I “didn’t like” anyone who dressed, acted or presented in a certain way.

It’s something that I am not proud of, and it’s difficult to accept that through periods of my life, I would be so judgemental, but I think to change something about ourselves, we have to truly understand the root cause of what we wish to change.

When I was younger and started going out to pubs and clubs, I didn’t like anyone wearing tight shirts with deep v-collar. Usually, they’d have pointy white shoes, slightly flared jeans and gelled frosted tips. At the time, I didn’t know why I didn’t like them. I just thought they weren’t the kind of person I would want to be friends with. I assumed people who dressed like this were full of themselves and thought they were better than everybody else. I judged a person's entire personality on how they physically presented themselves.

For a long time, I thought anyone who went for a run without a shirt on was not someone I would like. I’d think, “Have a go at this bloke. How fuckin’ cool does he think he is running around with no shirt on, making sure everyone is looking at him”. Again assuming I knew the motivation behind that person’s decision to present themselves to the public the way they were.

Many people commonly believe that their boss is less competent than they are at their job. I know I felt like this for a long time, and there were instances where I felt other people got promotions that I should have, and I let it influence my behaviour.

I’ve since come to a bit of a realisation that was a little bit difficult to swallow, and while I could go on for hours with other examples, I don’t want to take up any more of your time than I need to.

The realisation is this. I was jealous and insecure. Seeing people do things that I wouldn’t have the confidence to do made me incredibly insecure. Although I didn’t understand it then, I was jealous that they were secure enough to present themselves in whatever way they chose to and own it. I was envious that they were comfortable enough in their own skin to put a bit of effort into how they appeared, and I wasn’t.

The same goes for the bloke running along the footpath without a shirt on. I was jealous that he had the confidence (and the rig) to parade himself around without a shirt on. Running is fucking hard, it gets hot, and it would be way easier to run in the heat without a shirt. I’m a heavy sweater. I would love to run around with a shirt on, but I find it far too embarrassing.

Years ago at work, I thought I was a shoo-in for a promotion that went to another guy in the team. A guy I was good mates with. At the time, I felt like I was hard done by, and maybe I was to a degree, but whether I was or wasn’t is irrelevant, he had the job. The disappointing thing is that I let my jealousy impact our friendship and turned up to work each day with a bad attitude. Ultimately I was making my mate's new job harder for him to do, which is something I regret to this day because that is not something that mates should do, and if the roles were reversed, I would have been distraught if I were in his position.

The thing about both these examples is that none of these types of people ever had any real impact on my life. But I allowed it to piss me off because how they conducted themselves made me feel uncomfortable and insecure about myself. I’ve never been the kind of guy to like getting dressed up. Dressing up for me is skate shoes, jeans and a flannel shirt. I’ll probably never be confident enough to go parading along the boardwalk without a shirt on, and that’s fine. But for me to feel insecure about myself because other people do is fucking ridiculous and a massive waste of my energy.

So now, when I see someone who is doing nothing untoward, who dresses differently from me, does things differently from me, or behaves differently from me, if I find myself being presumptuous about that person or judging them, I’m trying to implement that same approach of asking why that couple of extra times and more often than not the results will be that there is something that I admire about them and it is manifesting as jealousy.

I hate the term “haters”, but I believe a saying by David Goggins is pretty much spot on.

“You’ll never meet a hater that’s doing better than you”

It can be a complicated process at times, and you might have to accept some truths you don’t want to. Still, I think being honest with ourselves is the only way through it and the path toward not being that generalising, judgemental arsehole that we don’t want to be.

When I make assumptions based on how someone carries or presents themselves, I ask myself, “What do they have that you wish you had”. For you, it might be a fucking bright red Ferrari, but I think it’s usually a little bit deeper than that. It’s usually something like their self-confidence and ability to speak confidently and engage with a crowd in a public setting.

The more and more I look into it, the thing that becomes most clear to me is this, the people who I’m usually too quick to judge and decide I don’t like based on face value are almost always people with who’s strengths are the qualities that I both admire and wish I was better at myself.

My insecurities make me jealous of them, but admitting that means I am admitting my insecurities to myself. So it’s easier to generalise and assume there is something about this person I don’t like, but I actually admire them. It’s hard to accept that because it involves looking within myself and accepting my faults or areas I want to work on.

The positive is that you've been blessed with an opportunity when you figure this out and start catching yourself having these presumptuous thoughts. An opportunity to look at someone else's actions, be honest with yourself, figure out what you admire about them, and devise a plan to improve yourself based on your answer.

Next time you catch yourself doing the same, ask yourself, what is it about this person I am jealous or admire and why? It’s hard, but be honest with yourself. Lessons and opportunities are everywhere if you’re conscious enough to see them.

Cheers Wankers.

X.

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Bogues Tonnes Up.

Each week I will chuck a bit about my journey to my first 100k run at the Sri Chinmoy Canberra Trail 100k for anyone who gives a shit.

I continue to have issues with my body and I have hardly been able to run. I’m doing all I can to get it right and have started cycling in an effort to maintain/rebuild some fitness while I try to sort out these issues with my hip and lower back.

While it is starting to look like the 100k in September mightn’t be a plausible option, I’m not willing to give up on it just yet. If I end up having to park it, I’ll try to figure out something else I can do to continue raising money for Beyond Blue.

I’ve wanted to do a 100k for a while now, but I also want to raise as much money as possible for Beyond Blue. A fantastic charity that does brilliant work in the mental health space.

If you want to help out and help keep me accountable for this fucking ridiculous goal, CLICK HERE to make a 100% tax-deductible donation.

Every cent counts, and you’ll be comfortable knowing it’s going to a reputable organisation who do fantastic work.

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