IT'S THE F*CKING HOLIDAYS!!!

We did it! We made it! Time for a little reflection on the year that was.

Dec 22, 2023

I’ve been a bit of a negative prick over the last few weeks as I’ve been limping towards the end of the year, yearning for a break.

I was trying to identify why. I thought I had everything under control. Sure, things have been a little busy and stressful. I hadn’t had as much spare time to dedicate to taking care of myself. But I couldn’t pinpoint anything.

Yesterday, I finished work for the year around 2 pm. I came home, sorted my things, and started hanging out with my son. We had dinner around 6 pm. Our au pair is off on holiday today, so we had an early Christmas dinner last night and swapped some gifts.

Once we’d done that, around 7 pm, I saddled up on the lounge, put the cricket on, and started to switch off mentally.

The next thing I knew, it was 8:45 pm, and I was woken up by my son. I’d fallen asleep on the lounge. I know what you’re thinking: tired dad falls asleep on the lounge, big deal.

I don’t fall asleep… ever. I wait for sleep. I struggle to go to sleep in my bed, with the aircon set to the perfect setting, with my blanket and pillows set just the way I like them. I don’t fall asleep on the lounge. But yesterday, I did and went on to have the best sleep I’ve had in weeks and weeks.

I thought I had work under control. I didn’t feel like it was stressing me all that much. Even though it had been hectic, I felt like I was handling it well, but maybe I wasn’t. It was odd because I’d identified work as a possible reason for feeling so run down, but I thought I’d worked out that it wasn’t affecting me that much. Maybe it was.

Or maybe everything added together was the reason, and now that I could

remove work from my head, albeit temporarily, my brain finally felt it had the space to relax.

Whatever the case, I woke up this morning and felt amazing. My son is stoked that we’re all home together. The weather is good, and so is the atmosphere. We’re looking forward to an easy Christmas at home.

Over the break, I’ll think about how I spend my time and structure my day. What I’m doing is working, but at what cost? How can I do it better? I don’t mean better as in getting more down. I mean better, as in looking after myself better and showing up at home as an even better version of myself. I’ll let you all know what I come up with.

Last year, we spent every second day redressing the Airbnb downstairs. This year, we have two long-stay bookings.

We’re going nowhere, visiting nobody and having very few people visit us. That might sound horrible to a lot of people. But to us, right now, it’s perfect, and we’re really fuckin’ excited.

2023 will be the first calendar year I have spent entirely sober in over 20 years (touch wood).

I’ve been sober for 612 days now, yet reflection is still a strange thing for me because sobriety isn’t about the past. Resting on your laurels leads to complacency, and there aren’t many things more dangerous than that for a sober person.

Time itself is a bizarre concept. At its core, the difference between November 30 and December 1 is the same as between December 31 and January 1.

Yet, we experience this overwhelming feeling of finality. As though we can finally shut the door, lock it, and throw away the key. It’s almost as though nothing in the year 2023 is locked in and confirmed until we finally land in 2024, even though we can not change anything that has happened, even one second ago.

Through my sobriety, I have realised just how valuable reflection is. I learned that I wasn’t, and still probably don’t, dedicate enough time to reflect on what I have done. I realised there is very little point in doing anything that isn’t worth remembering later. We’re here on this earth for such a short time; all we can take are memories. Memories that we will lose if we don’t regularly reflect on them. Nothing truly matters more than that.

I’ve been reflecting on the year, and I am proud of what I have achieved. I think it’s important to recognise what we have achieved so we don’t feel like the energy invested was in vain.

I started the year fit and healthy. In February, I had a back injury that, at one point, had me genuinely concerned that I would never be able to exercise again. It took me until July to recover, by which point I had gained 9kgs. Since then, I have lost 17 kg. I’m back down to the leanest I’ve ever been in my adult life, and I’m closing in on running the same times I was two and a half years ago when I ran all of my PBs.

We survived a tough time financially, with my partner being on maternity leave until September and interest rates going up every month. As though the universe was testing us, I landed a promotion and a significant pay rise within a fortnight of my partner returning to work.

I navigated some pretty hairy moments with my sobriety throughout the year. There were some close calls, but mostly, I’m proud because I was conscious enough to reflect on what happened in the lead-up and identify what I’d done differently or failed to do that led to my complacency and then learn from them.

I’m making some good progress with my psychologist, and we’re starting to unearth some of the reasons why I have some of the struggles that I do, a significant step towards resolving them. This is the gritty part of the journey. It’s by far the fucking toughest work, but it’s also the work that netts the greatest results, and I’m anxiously excited to continue next year.

The thing I’m most proud of, though, is that we have kept our beautiful, cheeky, 16-month-old (today) son alive. Not only is he alive, but he is absolutely thriving. As someone who struggles with imposter syndrome, I still look at him and think, “How the fuck are we doing this?”. How are we raising such a sweet, caring and generous child I still wonder how the fuck we were allowed to take him home unsupervised and left to our own devices.

Being a dad is the most incredible privilege I have ever known. I’m a lot of things, good and bad, but first and foremost, I am and always will be a dad. That will first.

I don’t know if I would have ever found the balls to get and stay sober if it weren’t for his impending arrival and continued existence.

They say you can’t get sober for anyone else, and I tend to agree. But my son is what drives me to keep working my arse off to become a better human being, and for me, that is made so much easier with sobriety. He and my partner deserve the best version of me p[possible, and that version of me is sober. It always will be.

With that said it’ll come as no surprise that the one thing that I am most proud of, daylight second, is that my son has never, ever seen me under the influence of any substances. If I manage to maintain my sobriety until the day I die, I’m confident that it’ll still be the thing I am most proud of then.

I don’t know if I’ll write any blogs over the break. I probably won’t. I really need to switch off and freshen up for next year.

So, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read my ramblings each week.

I know sometimes it’s boring, uninteresting, self-indulged or plain unhinged. But it’s what I need to do for myself, to get the shit out of my head.

This blog is a massive part of maintaining my sobriety, and I appreciate the accountability each of you provides me with by reading, skim-reading, opening and closing the email so that I get another open to the all-important reader count. I’m kidding.

I hope you all have an amazing break and get whatever you feel you need out of it.

As amazing as it is, this is an incredibly tough time for people in sobriety/recovery. Please be mindful of these people. If you are one of these people, I see you. You can do it. Reach out if you need to. We’re not good with free time and having our routines stripped from under us.

To all those working over the break, from emergency room doctors, paramedics, baristas, takeaway owners, garbage truck drivers, and everything in between, thanks for keeping the lights on while the rest of us get to refresh. I hope you get your opportunity soon.

If you’re travelling these holidays, please do so safely. Don’t be in a rush. Don’t be a dickhead on the road. Getting angry is going to affect you more than anyone else. It’s not worth it.

If you’re travelling to a sleepy little tourist town like mine, please be respectful to the locals. Without those people keeping the town afloat outside of holiday periods, you’d have nowhere to take your big flash caravan. If you live in a sleepy little tourist town like mine, be grateful that you get to live there all year round. Be grateful that all these people want to invest their money into our communities so that we can have nice things at our disposal once they all go home.

The break is exactly that: a break. Don’t sweat the little things, or you won’t get as much out of it as you want or need to.

Relax, don’t be a dick, be kind to strangers and refresh.

HAPPY FUCKIN’ HOLIDAYS.

Cheers Wankers.

IT'S THE F*CKING HOLIDAYS!!!

We did it! We made it! Time for a little reflection on the year that was.

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