Back on the Horse

Navigating holiday sobriety struggles and a community focus for 2024.

Jan 10, 2024

I was really struggling towards the end of last year.

There was no one thing that led to it, which was frustrating. It’s so easy when we can identify the one big thing that’s making us feel a certain way and then channel our energy into changing that thing.

But when there is no one big thing, and it’s the combination of all the little things wearing you down, it’s difficult to know where to start. I think by the end of the year, I couldn’t be bothered to try to fix anything. It was easier to just limp my way to the Christmas break, where I’d finally be able to unwind.

It probably wasn’t the smartest move for someone in sobriety with a past of substance abuse issues.

Holidays are fuckin’ hard for people like me, especially here in Australia, where drinking before 8 am on Christmas Day is widely considered acceptable behaviour. The same applies to Boxing Day.

Before I got sober, most of my christmas breaks were the same. They’d kick off with an almighty bender. Usually, I’d knock off for the year around the 20th of December. That gave me three to four days to tie one on before having to be a little more than a shell of myself for Christmas day, wherever that may be.

One year, I’d been giving my mate money to save for me for an overseas trip. I told him I needed it and that I’d give it back later on. He dropped a couple of grand off to me, and I blew it on drugs over the next four days.

I’ve always struggled with Christmas Day. My inner doomsday prepper gets weirdly uncomfortable with everything being closed and the streets being so quiet. It’s as though the world's white noise has been dialled down, and it feels somewhat apocalyptic.

Or maybe it’s just because I feel obligated to be somewhere with family, and that interrupted my end-of-year drug and alcohol-fuelled rampage. The rampage I’d convinced myself I had earned and deserved because I was some kind of hero for completing another year of work. Just like *checks notes* just about everyone else in the country who wasn’t on a self-destructive rampage.

During past Christmas breaks, it was rare for me to go a single day without drinking and more than a few days without taking drugs. I enjoyed the freedom of having recovery days should I need them and knowing that there was no chance of a random drug test at work until at least the first day back at work. I would be free from the anxiety of wondering if the drugs had cleared my system yet.

Honestly, I struggled with the whole period from the first day of the holidays through to New Year. The magnitude of both these events would stress me the fuck out to the point that I couldn’t wait for them to be over. At least in the past, though, I could drink and drug my way through it, and it was more socially acceptable because, hey, it’s fuckin’ Christmas time!

Last Christmas break was easy, though. Maybe it was because my son was so young, new and shiny. Maybe it was because it was our first christmas as a family or our first christmas in our new hometown. It could even have been that I had that early sobriety motivation still kicking around.

So I assumed this Christmas break would be the same, but it was a lot harder. I struggled a lot with thoughts of drinking in the last week of work and the first week of the holidays. They were never serious enough that I thought they would break me, rather just more constant, repetitive thoughts.

In the same way, the late Matthew Perry referred to his struggles as “The Big Terrible Thing” I like to refer to mine simply as “It”. Doing this helps me separate myself from my thoughts. It helps me understand that I am not my thoughts, nor do they define me. Most importantly, it motivates me to not let “it” beat me.

I don’t want to drink. “It” wants me to drink, etc.

“It” can be pretty clever. It knows your strengths. It knows where it won’t beat you. In my case, if it said to me, “Just drink you fuckin’ pussy”, I’d be able to dismiss that pretty easily. So, it tries alternative ways. This time around, it was a gentler approach.

“Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Missing out?”

“It’s Christmas, it’s summer. Look at everyone else having fun, enjoying time with their loved ones in the sun, causing no harm and enjoying a cold drink”

And, of course, “You’ve done the work. You’re not the same person you were anymore. You’re a dad now. You’re more than capable of having a few drinks, enjoying yourself and going home at a reasonable time without upsetting anyone”

It’s a persistent and manipulative little bastard. Still, while ever I hear those thoughts from a place I don’t associate as a part of myself, I can be stubborn enough to tell it to fuck off for long enough for it to run out of energy and slowly fade away.

I should’ve known that I’d be susceptible to letting “it” back into my head. I’d come into the holidays low on mental energy. I hadn’t been practising sobriety the way that I once did. I was going through the motions. Physically doing things like breathwork, stretching, running and journaling without actually thinking about what I was doing or why. I’d become complacent because life had zapped me of my mental and emotional energy.

We came up with a plan for the holidays. One that encouraged rest and recovery whilst also doing some wholesome, feel-good shit. The plan was simple: I would run every morning, come home, and together, we would make sure the house was in order. Then, we would take our son out for a little while before he needed to come home for sleep. While he was asleep, we would lay on the lounge, watch some TV or some other non-strenuous activity

Then it rained for a week, my son got cabin fever, slept like shit and became difficult to manage.

I was unusually anxious. I think all the ignored stress of recent weeks was catching up with my brain now that I didn’t have work to dive into and distract myself with. I was low on energy, dealing with a lot of head noise around drinking and dealing with an overtired, psychotic toddler all in the time that I had set aside to mentally and emotionally recharge.

I started worrying that I’d start 2024 in the same state I finished 2023. If that happened, how the fuck would I make it to the end of 2024?

But then, as though the universe was trying to push me right to the limit to see where it was, things started to change right when they probably needed to...

A friend reached out to me and asked if I could help one of their friends who was in the early stages of sobriety. So he started a WhatsApp chat with me, himself and his friend, and we got to talking, and instantly there was some great dialogue.

I’d also been helping another friend of mine in the early stages of sobriety, which I’ve talked about in recent blogs.

I was really enjoying immersing myself in sobriety talk again, and I felt like it was exactly what I needed after somewhat abandoning my sobriety towards the end of last year.

The friend who initially reached out to ask if I could help his friend is very fond of a WhatsApp group. I’m fortunate enough to be a part of a few of them, and I’ve experienced how valuable they can be. That’s when I had the idea to create The Sobering Thoughts Chat Group.

I had very little expectation of the group. I asked my new sober friend if he thought it could work. I told him then that people might jump in, and they might not. It could just be me and you! It might go well for a while, then taper away into nothing, and I was at peace with all of the above. I just wanted to try.

I wanted something that could bridge the gap between someone wanting to get help and showing up in person at a meeting or a professional’s office. Somewhere, people could join without saying anything and maybe just read through what others have said until they felt comfortable speaking up.

It’s much easier to speak in an online forum than to speak up in front of people. Especially for people in the early stages of sobriety or early stages of seeking help who are carrying so much shame, insecurity and anxiety. I wanted something that was gentler and less confronting for people who were already carrying so much fear.

It’s been a massive success so far. We currently have 14 members. We have people in there from four different countries. Everyone in there is at a different stage of their recovery journey. Some have years of sobriety, some only weeks, some still struggling day to day, but the beauty of it all is that each person is pulling in the same direction.

There’s something so special about taking a group of relative strangers from different corners of the world with different stories and challenges at different stages of their own journeys, all heading towards the same place.

There isn’t one person whose contribution doesn’t hold value and not one person whose contributions carry more weight than anybody else’s. That’s because there is no right or wrong way. Some people are in fellowships, some have completed the steps, some are working their way through the steps, and some (like myself) have never been involved in a program or fellowship, yet everyone is equal, and most importantly, no one is a dick.

It’s hard to have an ego in an environment where you have to be vulnerable.

initially, I started the group because I wanted to help people however I could. Whether it be directly or putting two places in the (digital) place at once that I thought could help each other.

But it turns out that this whole thing has helped me far more than I ever anticipated, and already, I feel like I’ve taken away so much more than I’ve put in. I guess that’s the nature of these kinds of communities. You get out what you put in.

I wanted to share a couple of thoughts I’ve shared in the group because I feel like they could be valuable to someone out there. I’d love to share some of the things shared by others, but it’s not my place to do so, and it’s for others to share those things their way, should they choose to.

Random thought - after speaking with my psych today about how much I’m gaining from being involved in the group, it reminded me that I need to be grateful for my struggles.

I know I have to be very careful the way I word things like this, but my life now is so much better than it was before my substance abuse became problematic and if it never got to that point I wouldn’t be in the place I am today.

I understand though that some are never fortunate enough to truly break free from their vices and I’m certainly not implying that I have catagorically done so.

It’s not the abstinence that provides this growth, it’s the work done to maintain the sobriety, I believe, anyway.

Maybe I’m silver linings things a little for myself, but maybe these struggles we go through are what links us with the communities we’re supposed to be a part of.

Almost like you’re rewarded for trudging through the shit early on by finally being exposed or introduced to a community that just “get it” and you finally feel a sense of calm and acceptance.

For me, the more I talk about this stuff with people who understand, the better I feel. It can be deep, light, negative, positive, and it all helps.

Wanted to bring this up sooner, but my first day back has been a little dishevelled. Just some shit that's stirring around in my brain that might become a blog. Maybe.

When I was running this morning, I was thinking about how I had no anxiety about returning to work and even craved the structure it bought. I struggled a bit without the structure early in the holidays, and I only felt truly relaxed after New Year's Eve was over. What was wrong with me? But I think when we are so regimented, sometimes when we find ourselves with free time, we almost don't know what to do. Almost like you're exposed to something unexpectedly. So, while it's great that I wasn't anxious about returning to work, something that's plagued me for years, it made me feel like something was wrong with me.

Anyway, I think this is kind of like how people struggle to kick their vice, even though they know it's bad for them. They know all the facts about it but emotionally can't let go. It's a lot like when people have depression, and they don't do anything about it. This is what I meant earlier about the "better the devil you know" thing.

Somehow, we manage to find comfort in uncomfortable situations through experience and familiarity. Like yeah, work/addiction/depression/anxiety sucks arse. But it's familiar, and we know from experience that we can navigate it and that, ultimately, we will be okay. We won't thrive, but we'll wade through the shit and live to fight another day.

There is some kind of twisted, paradoxical comfort in that. Whereas doing the things we should do, if we've not done them before, is fucking terrifying because we don't know the outcome before we jump in. People in our position often have trust issues, not just of people but of things and experiences.

I just found it interesting that for years, I longed not to be anxious about returning to work on a Sunday night. Once I achieved that, my brain was still asking the same question. What's wrong with me? Why am I okay with going back to work when the holidays are awesome?

Just before hitting send on this, I realised this is what people in abusive relationships face, too. Their home, whilst a volatile environment, is their home. It's all they know. Of course, they should leave, but they're terrified, and when you're terrified, you want to be in the place you feel most comfortable, even if that place is volatile. Like that familiarity and experience tell you that while this place isn't great, I can find a strange comfort among it all.

I’ve always understood why people go to meetings, join fellowships or do programs. I’ve just always convinced myself that it’s not for me or that I don’t need them. Maybe I have been convincing myself of that because it suits me; I have been too self-conscious to take the leap and put myself out there.

But it’s really starting to hit home for me just how important community is. Not just to sobriety but to general well-being. Genuinely being a part of something greater than yourself.

The chat group alone, over such a short period, has significantly influenced my thinking, perspective, and attitude. I’m feeling inspired to dive head-first into sobriety again. To prioritise it, to really see what I can squeeze out of life when I truly put my sobriety first.

I’ve struggled with it over the last 18 months since relocating to a new town. I have some community here. I have some community back in my hometown, too. While I don’t think it’s accurate to say that I haven’t had any community at all, maybe I’m just missing being a part of the right community for me.

Right now, it’s Wednesday afternoon. My most local AA meeting is being held this afternoon. It’s one that I have looked up before, noted down the time and place, thought about going to, and then conveniently convinced myself that it’s not for me or not something I need to do, ultimately because I’m too fucking scared.

I’m too scared to go into a room full of people just like me. It is full of people like the legends who have joined the chat group and have been nothing short of amazing and supportive to me and every other person in it. Logically, I know I’ll be fine going to a meeting. I know there’s a high chance my life will be all the better for it. I’ve just never been able to do it.

This afternoon, I am going to try. I don’t know if I need to do the steps. I don’t know if I want to do the steps. I don’t know how often I want to do a meeting if I do enjoy it. These are the things that I would worry about, but I’ve realised I don’t have to worry about any of those things until I have to worry about them, which isn’t fucking now.

All I know is that the people I have met who have joined their local AA community are better for it, and in turn, the people they care about are better for them going. I feel I owe it to myself and the people I care about to try. I literally have nothing to lose.

I want to keep growing this community of our own. If I don’t like this meeting, if I have a negative experience or for whatever reason, I don’t want to go back, I will focus solely on this great little community we have already started to build and be grateful for it.

I wouldn’t feel this way if it weren’t for my friends in the chat group. So thanks, legends. If there are some people at this meeting half as good as you guys are, I’ll be in a good place. Might even spend next Christmas with ‘em. Ha!

Cheers Wankers.

Back on the Horse

Navigating holiday sobriety struggles and a community focus for 2024.

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