46 Weeks of Sobriety- Big Daddy

The lifelong memories that sobriety enables me to create

Mar 06, 2023

Today I have been sober for 46 weeks. 322 days.

Sobriety

Sobriety is going… ok.

I’ve had a couple of massive weeks. The week before last, I did 3,500 k’s for work and stayed away from home for four nights. I wrote about it already, but my routine seems to fly out the window when I work away. I get hyper-focused (ADHD trait) on punching the work out as quickly as possible to get home as quickly as possible.

This means I do dumb shit like get up at 3 am to complete the 8.5-hour drive by lunchtime and knock out an arvo of work when I get to the destination. That potentially gets me home half a day sooner. If I do a 12-hour day the following day, in two days, I’ve made up a whole day, and so on.

We decided to close the Airbnb downstairs for February. December and January were completely booked out. It was pretty fuckin’ hectic through that period. Working, looking after the big fella, and often it was every second day where we would have a two-hour window between a guest checking out and the next checking in to get all the sheets changed and cleaning done. We needed a break, and February is traditionally quiet for holidays as people settle back into the working year, so it all made sense.

Being the opportunist I am, I thought, “what better time to paint all the old wood panelling wall than when the bastard is empty”. I had planned to rip into it straight away, but a few things happened, and I didn’t get a start on it until a week and a half into the month, then, had to go away for a week for work. So after starving myself of sleep to smash out work while I was away, I then had to starve myself of sleep to make sure the painting, clean up and reorganising of the unit was done before last Friday morning when we had guests checking in.

I’ve barely exercised for the past three weeks. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had a pretty scary incident where I hurt my back. Turns out I have Pars Defect. Interestingly, most fast bowlers have the same thing. They’re unsure if it’s from the repetitive action of bowling that causes it or if they are born with it, and that’s what allows them that extra curve in their back that helps them generate so much force through their body. Either way, that doesn’t help me explain why the best I could ever manage was right arm, slow-medium.

Given the above, I’ve been having moments where the thought of drinking again comes to mind. More so than normal. I know I spoke about it last week. Still, I am just reiterating the point for myself more so than anyone else: evaluating the events around a craving, urge, feeling or thought that makes you uncomfortable is invaluable.

I know that when I am tired, not exercising and stressed, I am more susceptible to having these moments. In a perfect world, you just never fall out of your routine. You’re never tired and can exercise as much as you like. But we don’t live in a perfect world. While it would be best not to be susceptible to these things at all, we need to have a backup plan because, like it or not, these fuckers are coming for you, and they’re fucking brilliant at seizing their opportunity at the smallest sign of weakness.

I think the value of understanding your feeling and thoughts it’s such an understated thing. I think we get caught up in avoiding them, not having them at all or focusing too much on trying to have positive thoughts. I think a massive part of the issue, not just in addiction but in mental health generally, is we don’t understand why we are feeling how we feel. We think that how we feel is wrong or bad.

My psychologist said something to me last month that really hit home for me. She said you need to trust your brain. It knows what it’s doing. If you’re having a negative thought, you need to be having it. Your brain is balancing itself. If we weren’t meant to have these thoughts, we simply wouldn’t be capable of it. She said to just trust that your brain is looking after you. Think of it as an employee. Don’t micromanage it. Give it some autonomy. When your brain sends you a signal that manifests in a negative thought or a craving for a substance or vice, it’s trying to tell you something.

In my case, I now know that when I get a craving, it’s time to refer back to my trusty ol’ spreadsheet and look for the red markers. That will almost always tell me why I am having those thoughts. Negative thoughts or cravings for me almost always mean that I am tired. If my sleep is ok, it will be because I’m not getting enough exercise, eating too much, not doing my breathwork, or spending enough time with my family.

Way too much red in February and not enough exercise.

I think we can get to a point where we can use these negative experiences as a positive. Your body will tell you you’re tired through lethargy, sore eyes and yawning. It tells you you’re not eating enough by giving you the feeling that you are hungry. I think if we try to change our perspective, we can see these negative thoughts as a cue to make a change. Think of it as a small alert that maybe it’s time to stop, reflect, and look at your behaviours over the last little while and see where you’re slipping.

Negative thoughts are coming your way whether you want them or not. Maybe instead of getting pissed off about them, we can choose to look inward and see them as a message from our brain that we need to change something.

Big Daddy

My partner attended a friend's birthday party in Canberra on Saturday night. Initially, the plan was for me to go to Canberra as well. I would stay with family and look after the big fella while she attended the party. He’s spent a lot of time in the car recently, and to put it bluntly, he fucking hates it.

I felt as torn as Natalie Imbuglia. I wanted to stay home at the coast with him so that he didn’t have to spend another five hours in the car unnecessarily. But I also didn’t want him to be apart from his mum for so long. Before the weekend, his longest time without his mum was about five hours.

Part of me selfishly wanted to have him at home with me so that I could prove to myself that I could do it. While I’m not mum, I want him to know I can also look after him. It might not be quite as good, and it might be a little different to what he’s used to, a bit rough around the edges perhaps, but it’s important to me that he understands that he can feel safe and comfortable with me and that I can give him everything he needs too.

Still, I felt like maybe I was being selfish and it was wrong of me to “test” if I could do it for my own sake because, at some point, something could happen that I wouldn’t have been able to handle, and he would have been hours from his mum, and I felt it would have been selfish of me to do that to him.

We came to the decision that he and I would stay home all by our big boy selves. I was determined to make sure everything went well, but completely aware that there was a possibility of baby shit hitting the fan.

My partner did a bloody good job of ensuring he had everything he needed. Various blended food in the fridge, bibs, cloths, towels and clothes all laid out. On reflection, it was pretty fail-safe, and the panic was probably a little bit unnecessary.

My biggest fear was getting him to sleep at night time. Putting him down for THE BIG SLEEP. I’m pleased to report everything was fine. In fact, it was better than fine. It was great.

I struggle to be proud of the things I do. Whatever I have achieved should’ve been done quicker, bigger or better. It’s funny, this is probably one of the most menial things I have ever done, yet it’s something I’m genuinely able to be proud of. I think I figured out that for me my pride comes from doing things that mean the most to me emotionally. It was a really special little nugget of time for me and something I’ll remember forever.

What I like the most about it is that it would never have happened if I weren’t sober. I would have also gone to the party if I were still drinking. Our son would have spent five hours in the car. He would have been taken care of by family. I would have gone along to the party where I didn’t know many people. I would have felt nervous, uncomfortable and anxious in the company of a bunch of strangers. So I would have drank as quickly as I could to help myself feel more comfortable and most likely ended up taking cocaine in some stranger’s kitchen at 3 am with my partner worried about where the fuck I am.

The next day I would have felt like a rotting fish in the car all the way home. When my son woke up excited to see me and play, I would have let him down. I wouldn’t have achieved anything the next day, rolled into the week unprepared, and potentially sabotaged the whole week.

I would have missed out on an amazing 26 hours with my son all to go to a party that made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to get myself into a state of complete inebriation just to feel the slightest bit comfortable being there.

Fuck, that.

I/We Need to do Better

Last week I wrote about Justin Cordy, the detainee who took his own life in The Alexander Maconachie Centre in Canberra (click here to read it).

I don’t know how, but Justin’s wife and mother stumbled across the article and reached out to me to say they appreciated what I had said, which was nice to hear, but not what motivated me to write it. Justin’s mother spoke about her desire to push for prison reform and improved mental health and addiction services for prisoners.

Since speaking to her, I’ve been thinking a lot about why some people have easier access to mental health and addiction help than others. Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing. Certain pockets of society just aren’t exposed to the normality of seeking professional help. Maybe some people misunderstand what psychological help is for and that it won’t benefit them. Then there’s the problem of the rising cost of living and interest rates making it too hard for people to afford to get the help they need.

I think another problem is that the correctional system lacks the staffing, resources and funding to identify and treat the people most in need.

I’d love to know what people think. I know I’ve asked for people’s on certain topics in the past, but this one is more important than any I’s asked about before.

So please, if you have a thought, good or bad, please leave a comment.

Cheers Wankers.

46 Weeks of Sobriety- Big Daddy

The lifelong memories that sobriety enables me to create

Sobriety

Big Daddy

I/We Need to do Better

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